New Years Eve

Tonight we got together with the family for January Bdays. We went to a Buffet for dinner. I called Mom and left a message with the plans and the time. Didn't really think she would come. We were all seated and starting to get our food when she showed up. I couldn't believe it.

I also couldn't believe what she looked like. She looks like she is dying. There is no question in my mind. It hurts so bad to see her that way. She has gained a lot of weight - which hopefully means the crack is gone by the wayside. But, it probably just means she has cut back (not by choice, but because she has no transportation or money). She has been drinking so heavily that the doctor's have already cautioned her about her liver and kidneys. They also tell her she has COPD. She is just so puffy like water weight. She was nodding off at the table, said she just took her meds before she came. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was so short of breath. Her and G brought Christmas presents in and the walk to the car and back inside made her weeze. She was soo shaky too. So sad.

We all got TomToms for Christmas. I thanked G. It wasn't necessary and he knew that. Doesn't matter, he does it every year. Then he told me that he got one too, but no longer has a car to put it in. Says that Mom totalled his car last week, completely drunk and even hollering at the police that she was sober. He is driving a Company truck for now. What a mess! Says he didn't tell me b/c she was okay and that was what mattered.

Whatever. It seems that A and I were better off not knowing. She didn't want us to know.

Christmas Follow-up

Christmas Eve -
We all start arriving and my cousins are getting dinner on the table. No Mom. I tried to call her at Gs around 4:30, no answer. I left a voicemail. I mention to my Aunt, "I wonder where Mom is? It doesn't seem like she is going to show up."

My Aunt appears shocked and says "She said she was coming." My Aunt then tells me that Mom called her this afternoon and "let her have it" Apparantly, Mom told her she wasn't going to allow the family to treat her that way and just stand back. She wanted her sister to know that she was upset to not be invited for Christmas. She did the whole act - crying, yelling, etc. but swore she would be there.

Mom didn't show. Grandma made comments about how we don't get "personal invitations" around here. Aunt K just doesn't understand, or chooses not to. Most times I think it is the latter.

That sucked this was the first Christmas w/o Mom. She may have been sleeping on the couch years past, but she was there - My sister and I made the best of it, smiled and opened the gifts. Then we came home and she and my DH helped me get ready for the morning for my boy's. We bit the cookies, drank the milk, and put out the presents from Santa. That was soo much FUN! The joy of little kids - I love it!!!! I have a 3 & 1 yr old. So, this year was the first year for my older one to understand what was going on! Makes it all worth it - those kids do.

I just can't help but feel sadness that my Mom doesn't participate in it. Wow is she missing out. It is definately her loss!

Anyway - I called her Christmas morning just to say "Merry Christmas" (and to see if she would even answer) She tried to play it off and said "In all my 51 yrs, I have never missed a Christmas until now. It was so unorganized I didn't even know what time or where to be - next time I will plan it. But I will be there for New Years." Then she wanted us to come over with Gs kids and have breakfast and open presents. Ha Ha - I don't think so! I said "Sorry, we are having our family Christmas with the boys right now. Then my dad is coming over to see the boys. Then we are leaving for the inlaws out of town" She had her chance last night. It felt good to say that and she understood.....

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is here. My family has celebrated on Christmas Eve as long as I can remember. When I was little, we went to the Church service to watch me in the play. Then we went out to dinner and back to Grandma & Grandpas to open presents. We were always told that Santa came early just for us. I went to my Dad's house on Christmas Day. This year, there will be no church program and no "out to dinner". I can only hope that Mom will show up. Then again, my sister and I are so anxious that she will. It will be uncomfortable - no one knows what to say to her. Grandma is quite upset with her and shows it. She knows how we feel about her behavior and I don't know that saying it does any good. Plus, we like to have her when we can and we don't like to rock the boat.... UGH - I hope tonight turns out okay! I am saying my prayers all day!

Mom just called me on my cell. She said "Hi honey. I am calling to find out the Family plans for Christmas." I had no idea that my cousin had not called her. My cousin is in charge this year - she even got the phone # from me to call her. I said "I honestly don't know the time b/c I am working today. J wanted us to come over at 3pm but I don't know if I will be there." Next thing I know she is bawling on the other side of the phone and insists she is Fine. Finally she sobs "I don't understand why it is so hard to call me and let me know what is up!"

I feel horrible! Mom has genuinely been trying. I can't say that she has been sober, but she had called me and I had called her. She even returned a phone call I made to her. She tried to make us dinner after my DH surgery, but she burned it. The least I could have done was mention the Christmas plans. I just have been so busy with my DH, my 2 boys, work, and my sister coming home that Christmas is about to pass me by! I don't even have presents wrapped yet for today! (Luckily my sister is helping me! What would I do w/o her???)

I think this is the hardest part of dealing with Mom! When she is putting forth the effort, how much are we supposed to put forth? It is just too hard to trust her and try to make things work when you know that it will happen again. It is easier to ignore.....to shield my boys from it....to just do nothing.... BUT - if I were her - it would be so hard to stay sober when your own family ignores you. Isn't it better for her for us to be in her life when she needs us the most. What a double-edged sword!

Turkey Soup

Last week we got homemade Turkey Soup for Thanksgiving from Mom. She called and my sister went over and picked it up before heading back to school. It was fantastic! Just like the old days. I called the house the next morning and left a message - "Thanks for the Soup, it was great."

A couple days later she calls and says "Hi hon. I was able to see everyone for Thanksgiving except for you. What happened? Where were you - Did Grandma tell you I showed up for the Family dinner?" She made small talk and wanted me to call her to get together over the weekend. She also wanted to know if I would like some Chili next time she cooks. The next day I had a missed call from her, when I returned it there was no answer. I left a message.

Sunday morning - 10am on the nose. Here we go again. This time it is G. "A, do you have my crock your mom sent soup over in?" Yes, here on the table. "She's gone again, divorce is back on, I am coming to pick it up" He then proceeded to rant for about 20 minutes about how horrible my mom is. I just want to scream "THEN TELL HER NO!! JUST FOLLOW THROUGH FOR ONCE, G!" Instead, I just listen and let him go. I put his dish on the porch and we hid when he showed up to pick it up. I just didn't want to hear it again.......

So, fast forward to today.. On my way home, my cell rings "Gcell" I ignored it and then listened to the voicemail. It was mom again. "Hi hon, I need $240 for Christmas shopping - if you have any checks of mine left. Please call me" I wasn't home for 10 minutes and the house phone rang. "Did you get my message". I told her No. She stated that she needed $240 to finish Christmas shopping and G won't give it to her. He was yelling the background "Tell her why - tell her you moved out" She says she will show me the receipts so I know she shopped with the $ and she will send G over to get it so I know she doesn't have it. I said "I don't control you or your $, the checks just happen to be here" She says they are coming right over to get it.

She shows up, gets the check and leaves. That is really about it. She gave me a hug and said "I love you honey." I said nothing except that I don't have any more of your $ here. She didn't ask to see the boys. She didn't ask about me. She didn't ask about my husband who is having surgery tomorrow. She just wanted the money...........

Pissed off, is really all I can say. Maybe tomorrow it will be hurt, but right now I am ANGRY!

Trouble Again

9:05am - The house phone rings. I cringed. I just knew it was her - something about the time, she always does that, calls a couple minutes after a time she thinks is okay to call.

This is a collect call from the xxxDetention Facility.....

She took that cab to the city and spent her $ on drugs - then didn't have enough to pay the driver for the ride home. Her exact words "Apparently they call that theft.." WELL YEAH! What did she expect?? She wants me to come bail her out.

I didn't want to. I called my sister and she supported my choice. The only thing that was making me feel guilty was that I had mom's $ and the ability to get her out. When I called, she only had about 8 hrs left to sit. Ok she can just sit there!

In the afternoon, I called G and let him know what had happened while he was out of town. I told him I was afraid to go get mom b/c she would probably be mean and hateful to me for not bailing her out. He said he would take care of it. I decided to let him.

I called the jail to make sure the time she was to get out. Only to find out that there was a warrant in another city. So, we are definitely thinking the probation will be revoked now. OMG - that means our Mom will have to serve 2 years. Crazy to even think about. It was already crazy that she served time the first time.

Raincheck....

She doesn't answer in the morning when I call. Oh well....

Then she calls me - she is crying and being ridiculous about fighting with the Barber. She says she doesn't want to go anywhere today. Sorry. Oh well....

A few hours later she calls again and says "I don't want to mess around. I am calling for $. I would like a raincheck for hanging out together. That is, if you will give me one."

I really wish I didn't have her money. At least it is almost gone - then I won't have that to deal with......

I am at the ATM and my cell phone rings. She wants to make sure I am on my way b/c she already called a cab ride. (ALREADY called a cab ride!! Can you believe that??) I was only at the house about 5 minutes before the cab came. She just acts like nothing has ever happened. All of a sudden she is "my mom" again and is talking about Christmas plans. Like she will be around for Christmas - she hasn't been to a family function in forever!

A Phone Call

My Dad was over visiting with the boys when Mom calls.

"Hi Hon. How's it going?"
"Okay, how about you?"
"Oh, the Same ol' shit." (She wasn't lying!)
Then she proceeds to tell me that G is gone hunting and she is bored. She would like to know if I am busy. I tell her that Dad is visiting and she says "What about tomorrow?" She wants to go Christmas shopping and spend some time with the boys. I told her that I am going to get food in the morning if she wants to ride along and we can then go shopping.

When I get off the phone, my husband says "Sounds like she is up to something..."

Triggered Memories

I'm sitting in my dorm room with a sorority sister and I forget the context but she mentions igloos in Canada. Where does my mind lead? To a time in elementary school when I was stuck with what I thought was a horrendous assignment about igloos. After throwing a fit to my mom about how unfair it is that I got that topic, she surprises me the next day with several books from the library about igloos. Of course from here it leads to all the great things she has done for me and I can't help but wonder where my mom went. I then think of the time when she got a big blue coat from Old Navy for Christmas and how upset I was that she had gotten the wrong one. The same guilt of hurting her rushes over me as if I was in sixth grade again. It seems like I can't let my guilt and pain of feeling as though I had an effect on her need to use go because she still hasn't come home. I've realized now that I'm older she has really been gone for a long time now, and I'm stuck sorting out the memories. This is a difficult task for me because when my sister pulled me out of the disastrous situation I blocked most everything that caused me pain. I know that I had to leave and take care of myself in order to survive but I can't help but think about how I used to know what was going on with her. I do realize that this was extremely unhealthy because I tormented myself to control and fix it all. But I can't help but wonder if it's just as tormenting to wonder about the unknown. I'm stuck crying at midnight when my day is finally done because this afternoon a conversation triggered buried memories.

Uneasy & Anxious Again

Well, it has been since my last post that I have heard about/from Mom. I know what she is up to - whatever, that is her choice. What I don't like is the uneasy and anxious feeling I have the past couple days because I haven't heard from her and I know something is gonna happen soon. It always does. If only I knew when.....

Sister B and I talk on the phone and one of us will say "Have you heard from Mom?". "No." "Me, neither" Pause....... Then we just go on with our conversation. It doesn't seem worth it to wonder where she is or what is up. We just know.

Missed Call

So after coming down with a sudden cold, I took a long nap during the day. During this nap my phone rang. Mom Cell appeared on the caller ID. Half asleep I decided I couldn't deal with anything right then so I would listen to the voicemail.....No voicemail. Now all I can do is wonder what she could have possibly wanted to talk about. Just say hi and I love you? Or try to explain things she probably doesn't know I know about?

The "Real" Story

At least the "Real" story according to G.

Driving home from work today, cell phone rings - caller ID "G"

Hello.
Is your mom with you?
No. I am just leaving work. I tried to call her this morning and let her know I was sending a Bday package to Sister if she wanted to put in a note. There wasn't an answer.
I saw your # on caller ID, I was just hoping she was with you. She is gone again. Her clothes and few belongings.
Sorry, not with me.

(And he swears this time the divorce will be final, he is sick of this shit, she just uses him, blah blah blah - lets see what he does.......)

Oh and he decided to tell me what happened with the car accident (probably b/c I asked if he was okay and he couldn't lie to me)

Mom "lent" her car to her dealer last week for drugs. She was supposed to get it back and the guy was giving her trouble. She called G on Saturday (from a liquor store) and said she needed his help to get her car back. The dealers would be at a funeral and that is also where her car would be. Supposedly he got jacked in the face in the process of getting the car back. That is where his injury occured. Then she wanted $ from him and he said "No lets just get home". She was following him home and then she took off at an exit. He didn't turn around at the next exit - he wouldn't find her and he knew what she was up to, so he just went home. He received a call from her at the Hospital Monday am and that is when he called me.

Ugghh.... What a world this is! There are just so many things out there that I have no clue about. And really, I shouldn't. Just leave it to my Mom to be the one to teach me about them.....

Now She Has Her Story Straight

This morning on the way to work, I decided to call G-cell and see if I can get more information out of him. No answer.

A few hours later, Mom calls and says "I saw you tried to call me." Once again I inquire about the accident, how she is, etc. I figure now she has had time to conconct a story.

She tells me that her and G were driving home and she doesn't remember what happened, back to the tire or brakes story. I said "What, G was with you? Why didn't he call me?"

"I really don't know. I was out for two days and just woke up yesterday. I don't know what he hit. I hit the windshield. Maybe he couldn't call long distance from the Hospital."

I then asked a few more questions and inquired about her being in the City Located Hospital. She then says "I guess now is the time to tell the truth - we were in the city to attend one of my drug dealers funeral. He was shot. I guess its no loss to you. Thats the truth."

There were a few things about this conversation that did not make sense and according to Judge Judy - "If something doesn't make sense, it's not true."

Why wouldn't G call me sooner? He always calls for emergencies.
Why did he call yesterday and leave the voicemail "Your mom has been in an accident." It wasn't "we were in an accident."
And why would he go to her drug dealers funeral??

Well - I call my sister to update her on the situation. Of course, Mom has not called her. How can you be in a life/death car accident and not call your daughter. Just another thing that doesn't make sense.

Imagine my Surprise.....

Well, just as we all thought, Mom was a no-show to O's 1st Birthday party yesterday. I spent the entire car ride to work trying to decide if I am mad at her or not. Seems that more than anything, it just hurts my feelings, even though I didn't really expect her to show up.

My cell phone rings while I am at work - the caller ID says "G-Cell". I figure it is mom and I'm not in the mood for her excuses. She can leave them on the voicemail. I go ahead and listen to it once my phone beeps. It is actually G - he is calling to let me know that Mom has been in a serious car accident, but she is okay. He tells me that she just woke up and has been out since Saturday when it happened. I immediately dial his phone back and he answers. He didn't really say much, but gave the phone to Mom.

I ask if she is Okay and what happened. She says she really isn't sure. She either tapped her brakes wrong or her tire blew out. Either way, she started spinning out on the highway and ended up hitting a Semi. Scary, scary!!

She then starts crying and says a couple times "I am so sorry that I missed the Birthday Party". I told her "That is ok, I am just glad you are okay and you didn't miss it for some other reason". She says "I have to go, I don't feel well" and just hangs up.

I bawled. I don't usually let her get to me, but this time it did! I feel so twisted for her! I know she feels terrible deep down for her actions, yet I also know that she probably would have missed it for something else had she not been in an accident (I am really trying to not kid myself) She doesn't take the blame for her actions - in this case it was the brakes or the tire and she claims she was sober. So, how can I be mad at someone who already feels bad enough?? Ugh, don't I deserve to be mad?

MIA again?

This morning the Barber called and said, "Have you seen your mother? I haven't seen her since last Wednesday and G hasn't seen her either."

"No, sorry I haven't." I replied.

I still don't know why he calls me, she nevers is with me. I have never seen her. He must know by now that I am not the person she runs to.

Anyway - that was my first clue that she probably wouldn't show up the Bday party tomorrow.....

Divorce Papers again?

Today I received a phone call (caller ID said Gcell) that I chose to ignore. It was mom wanting to know if I could notarize the divorce papers for her and G. We are serious this time she says. I had already left work to take my sick baby to the Dr. and didn't have my seal with me so I didn't call her back until later that evening. G said she was gone to her apt, maybe I would catch her tomorrow.

While mom was in the hospital, she requested to help us get the boys ready for Halloween. I told her that would be great, or if she wasn't up to it, we could come by her place on the way to trick-or-treating.

She called to let me know she was home from the hospital and that she had received my invitation to O's 1st Bday party on Sunday. She promised she would be there. Didn't mention a word about Halloween. I didn't either......

Pacemaker Problems

So it seems that mom did not follow the Dr. orders after her pacemaker was installed. She did too much and caused a wire to come loose. The loose wire was resting on her diaphragm and that is what was causing the hiccup-like jolts she was feeling. So back to surgery she goes......

She made it through, but said "I am sure going to watch myself this time! It is much more painful the 2nd time around."

Turns out, she had an infection. Had to spend a few more days in the hospital on IV antibiotics. She was finally released sometime around the 24th - 25th. Wouldn't know, since she didn't call. Not really a surprise anymore.....

Here I am.....

Well the next morning, she just shows up at the house. Says she was at the ER all evening and night and something must be wrong with her pacemaker. She says come here and hug me, you can feel it. Sure enough, she was getting jolted like she had really bad hiccups.

The ER said the pacemaker was fine and couldn't find anything wrong with her. The jolts would come and go. After she "proved" to us that she wasn't out using, she was just at the hospital, she scurried out the door as fast as she could. Again, no interaction with her grandbabies......

She smelled like alcohol even though she claimed to be sober. Once again, I don't believe her....

Now what happened?

Daughter #2 was in town from college this weekend. Mom actually remembered, called, and made plans to get together. Hmm..... Okay we will go with it.

Saturday evening comes, Daughter #2 shows up at Mom's apt. and no one is there.

Of course, we are pissed! MIA again......

She Needs Money for a Hotel Room?

Tonight mom showed up while we were eating dinner. I went to answer the door and stepped out on the front porch. She said, "Honey, I am in big trouble." (Uh Oh, now what is all I could think - well actually I was seriously afraid for a moment that she hurt G).

She said her and G got into a huge fight and she grabbed her keys and ran. She didn't even have her purse or ID on her. She said G was probably calling the police on her now since she was driving w/o an ID.

She said "I need one of my checks. I don't care if it has to be paid back, I need to get some rest away from the men. Just enough for a Hotel room. I am going right up the street and checking in."

What could I do - It is her money. I gave her a check and she left right away. She didn't want to step in the house, but I made her. She didn't really say much to the boys (you know, her grandchildren), but did at least say hi to Z.

I tried to get her to stay on our couch, but she said "Now you know that I wouldn't feel comfortable with that and neither would you. Lets not kid ourselves here." I wouldn't have offered if I didn't mean it....... I also asked if she just wanted to talk, she snapped back "About what" I said "Anything, anything at all". She actually smiled and said "Thanks, but not right now."

She also said some other hateful things - That I don't have to worry about calling Grandma and "telling on her" for cashing a check, she would call herself and tell on herself. Like we are trying to control her and her money or something - we were just looking out for her......

She was not the least bit sober and was a bit wobbly on her feet. I just let her go - what can I do?

After she left I wondered how she was going to cash that check at 6pm???

About 30 - 45 minutes later she shows back up with the check in one hand and her ID in the other. Schnucks would not cash the check for her (she says). (And I am really confused how she got her ID - supposedly she ran out of the house w/o it). She wants me to do it for her.

I tell her that I can deposit in our account, but we have a limit on our ATM withdraws and I cannot take out the whole amount in one day. She says "No problem, I only need enough for a hotel room."

I stayed home with her and sent DH out to the bank for her. While he was out, she sat on the couch with Z & O. Z talked with her and it seemed that she was enjoying the boys company, but as soon as the $ showed up, she was gone. : (

Do I think she went to a hotel? No. I really don't.

Mom made it through the procedure. They did not do it until later in the day, so by the time I called she still wasn't quite awake yet. Guess who answered the phone? That's right, the Barber....

Visit Mom in the Hospital. Scheduled to have a pacemaker put in on Monday. The doctor told her she has to stop her ways!

Received a phone call from my mom today. She is in the Hospital again. They are not exactly sure what is going on, but guessing gallbladder. She is waiting for an ultrasound.