Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

Mom called on Valentine's Day - "Hi, I have a few things for the boys. Can I come over?" I guess so.

About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)

They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....

I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Past

I had convinced myself that I am a strong willed and determined person who has not allowed my past to affect my current life. Until now. Recently I have been feeling down and as if not cared about...basically in need of validation.

After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."

I replied, "No, not since last semester."

He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."

He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.

After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....

Thursday, February 12, 2009


I recieved a letter from mom. It was really nice actually. The last time we had talked she was "cured" and said that she would write to me, so that we could keep contact while I am at school. Then the business with G and the Barber and the car went down. Yet I recieved a letter after all of this. She did mention getting a shot for alcohol and two pills for coccaine. I talked a lot with my father (who is 19 yrs. sobar) and he said he still won't let the thought of her being sobar cross his mind until it has been two years. He can usually bring me back to reality of not getting my hopes up for my mom to come back. He usually tries to help me understand that she probably won't ever come back, that I was too young to realize she was never here....But it is nice to have contact with her and I definetly enjoy when she writes me.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Like Nothing Ever Happened.....

That is always how she acts! She called today. Said "Hi. I got an old sewing machine and wanted to know if you still have the instruction manual to Grandma's sewing machine she gave you?" That was it..

Seriously - just like she didn't have a baby fit all last week! Whatever, I don't even ask anymore. Much easier if I don't know the details or have to hear the lies... She really doesn't want me to know anyway. Do you blame her? I would be embarrassed too!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

A Miracle Shot? Yea right....

Turns out Mom was in the hospital for a week. We thought she was being discharged the day I spoke with her. They thought she had internal bleeding, but could not find it. She finally checked herself out of the country hospital and came to one here in town. They said the test results were coming up that way b/c her gallbladder was acting up again. No one called us....

She calls me Friday and says she made us Chili, but can't drive it over. I told her I would come over tomorrow.

Saturday while the boys were napping, I went over there. She looked pretty good and was absolutely sober. I had a really nice visit (Though there is always that empty feeling that she doesn't even know her grandkids - better that way with the way she runs her life).

I find out that G took her to get some shot that supposedly "cures" the alcoholic. G was quite convinced and Mom was sober. She claimed that she could just walk right past a drink and wasn't even craving it. I am thinking there is NO WAY there is just a shot that cures all of this crap!

I did a small amount of research to figure out she was taking Vivitrol. And it takes a lot of behavioral therapy along with the shot. I immediately thought, what a bummer G wasted all that money.

So Mom calls me Tuesday morning and left a voicemail. She stated that she needed A's address, but wouldn't be back until around 1pm b/c she would be at her program. She calls me back around 12:40. The Barber had owed her some $, but gave her a car instead. Oops - he should have known better. I asked about the program and she said she was enrolled for the week and it was great. She really liked it. After the phone call, I sort of wondered how she was already home when she called it was before 1pm. Whatever... I got back to work.

That evening I dropped off tax paperwork for the Barber. He told me that G had just called him and gave him the business that he should have never gave Mom a car. Mom went to the City and blah blah blah. He was worried. Again, whatever.....

Then I get home and G calls the house "Is your Mom there?" Of course not - is she ever here. Then he just went off - he threw her out, the divorce is final now, she never even went to the program, went to the city as soon as she had keys to the car and then called him to bring her $ for crack and gas, blah blah...... Says apparently that shot only worked for the alcohol addiction. NO SHIT - REALLY??

Haven't heard from anyone since then. He was convinced she had crack leased the car and would freeze to death on a doorstep before she would come home. Maybe so. What can I do about it. Unfortunately, Nothing. Wish there was a Miracle Shot!