Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day

Mom called on Valentine's Day - "Hi, I have a few things for the boys. Can I come over?" I guess so.

About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)

They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....

I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....

1 comment:

Fractalmom said...

I'm glad you are reading the book. I read it on the advice of the girls counselor, and although she didn't do it for that reason, I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to BE a toxic parent LOL.

It did open my eyes.

One thing scares me. You said...I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable....

No, you don't. You do NOT have to hold her accountable.

All YOU have to do is figure out a way to have some kind of safe relationship with her. You are safe, your children are safe and you will not allow them to be impacted.

Now, figure out how YOU can no longer be impacted, and just enjoy the times when she is sober and fucking ignore the rest.

Don't enter into the drama.

I am thinking about you and your sister everyday as I raise these kids LOL. You make me feel better because I know there are grownups who function out there who had parents who were addicted.