Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Past

I had convinced myself that I am a strong willed and determined person who has not allowed my past to affect my current life. Until now. Recently I have been feeling down and as if not cared about...basically in need of validation.

After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."

I replied, "No, not since last semester."

He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."

He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.

After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....

1 comment:

Fractalmom said...

I don't go to NA or Al Anon (there are no meetings in our area), but there are times I wish I could. You know, the down times, like, um...Now. LOL