Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Going to Google it now....


We just finished a powerful sermon series at Church and one of the weeks was on forgiveness.

I don't consider myself one to have issues with this topic except for one event that really changed my opinion of my Mom.

About 3 1/2 yrs ago, my Mom was having problems with her depression/anxiety and was not holding down a job. She was filing for disability and I thought it would help her out to have her babysit our son. It was great for us too, financially and the location. That was until a day I will never forget.

I was at work when my cell phone rang and it said Momcell. I answered it and a police officer introduced himself. He stated that he had just arrested my mother for purchasing crack and had my son in the backseat of his vehicle. I would need to come get him ASAP. My baby wasn't even 3 mths old! I melted down and then called my DH and my Dad. My Dad got to the location before I did. The poor DEA officer was so concerned my DS would wake up and he didn't know what to do. When I got there, he told me that my Mom had been arrested the week before for the same thing and why would I leave my son with her. He said next time I would be arrested for child endangerment. I said "Don't worry, there won't be a next time." And there hasn't been since that day.

I had no idea. I blamed my Mom's behavior on her illness. So did she. I didn't realize she was up all hours doing crack. I knew she was arrested the week before, but I was told it was b/c her plates were expired (this was true) and she had a warrant for a bad check (also true) - they failed to tell me the origin of the arrest. I didn't have any reason to think otherwise. I mean seriously, I don't even know a thing about crack - except that it really messes people up! And at that time, I didn't know that G was a liar too.

The reason that I can't get past this is because Mom doesn't acknowledge it. She had the nerve to say to ds shortly after it happened "I don't understand what the deal is. We just went for a car ride." A 9am crack run, I think is what she meant to say. (And why do you say that to an infant - why not to me??) She also said, "The officer was just trying to scare you. You won't get arrested for letting me watch the baby." To this day - she hasn't apologized. I can see where she was coming from about it just being a car ride. Apparently to her, it was no big deal. That is the frame of mind that crack puts someone in. But seriously, that is when our relationship went sour and she has to know that. I am just waiting for the day she faces it.

This is the hurdle I am trying to get over. I have learned to live our lives separate from my Mom. I have figured out how to keep the boys exposure to her very little - and I have come to terms with the fact that it just has to be that way. Now I better work on dealing with the family and how they handle my Mom. (that is why I don't call grandma, I don't like to hear her say things about Mom - always true - but I don't like it)

By the way, my Dad is also an addict. He is in a sober period right now, but my dh and I have been having some doubts lately. He is very close to a 4 yr sobriety, I hope he hasn't messed it up. He went to rehab (2nd time relapse after Hepititis illness) while I was pregnant. That is when our relationship really began - he wasn't around most of my life b/c of his addiction issues and his ex-wife. He has been there for every moment with my boys. It has been wonderful. Right after I had my 2nd ds, Dad and his gf started coming over every Friday to watch the boys and let us get out. I am not so sure about V, now his wife of 1 1/2 yrs. I like her, but I don't know if she is the right one for my Dad. I have a feeling she is a social drinker and I don't see how he stays sober while he is with her. There have been a few clues, maybe as they occur this blog will be about both of my parents.....

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Long time, no post.....

Where have I been - right here, just waiting..... waiting for that blow up moment, but it just hasn't happened. It is really wierd and I don't know what to think!

Mom called me one Saturday morning. Just to chat, etc. She was sober. She was talking about AA meetings and what she was doing to keep herself busy.

A week later, she called again. Again, she was sober and just wanted to chat. And she actually called me out for not calling Grandma (that is a whole different story and it meant she was in contact with her) I decided to invite her to church with us. She was so excited and said YES. Sunday am came and I called to make sure she was still coming. G answered and said she was sleeping and wouldn't be going. Figures.

I was upset for a day and then thought, whatever. Thursday, she calls me. I ignored it and she left a message that she was sorry she missed us Sunday. Oh and she had a question about counted cross stitch. That really pissed me off. The only reason she called was b/c she had a question and then "oh yeah, I better apologize."

Then she called again on Saturday. Again, she was sober. She apologized sincerely for missing church and wanted to know if she could go this week. She says her meds are all screwed up and she is sleepy alot. She again mentioned her meetings and was talking about making amends with people. (Don't know when she plans on making amends with me and my family.....)

She ended up going with us and had a wonderful time. She visited with the boys in the backseat on the car ride and it was nice. So, last Friday I called to see if she wanted to go again. G answers and says "Well, i am not supposed to tell you but she is at rehab again." He tells me how much she enjoyed our visit and that she is just not right. He thinks her meds are interacting and doesn't know how to help. It was really odd the way he talked about it. Almost like he was making it up, then again I am not sure. I asked if it was court-mandated, he said no. I almost wonder if she is at a mental hospital rather than a rehab. I think she has issues that she doesn't discuss with us girls - I am sure the crack and other drugs have not helped her mental state. Maybe she will call soon. Until then, I am taking One day at a time because I just don't know what to think.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Things I Promise Not to Do to My Kids

I fully expect to update this post as time goes on....

Today, 3/4/09, I promise to not make false promises to my children.