God is speaking to us!

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This past weekend, I attended a Women's Retreat with our Church. This was the first time I had been to something like this. I am quite sure it was meant for me to be there. When it was first announced there would be a Women's retreat, I smiled at my DH and said "Don't think I will go to that." A few weeks later, one of the ladies asked if I could assist with the budget portion of the event, she needed help in that area and knew that was a strong point of mine. Long story short, I ended up on the planning committee - how could I not go? Thank God I did!

The theme for the weekend was "Reconnect, Revive, and Rejoice". Little did I know it would have such an impact on me. The just of the story - if you hold resentment/anger/grudges against just one person, you are actually shutting out everyone. It isn't really possible to love "everyone but that one person". I was starting to come to this conclusion on my own (or God was helping me along), but the speaker this weekend clinched it for me.

In my attempt to guard myself from the hurt of my Mom's actions, I was shutting her out. I felt like if she wasn't sober, I just wouldn't be around her. But in my heart, I was aching - I felt horrible for "ignoring" her. I knew that my avoiding her, wasn't really helping the situation. I realize now that I must love her the way she is. That does not mean I have to enable her. That just means I cannot shut her out of my life - she is my Mom after all!

While I was focusing on keeping the bad away, I unintentionally was shutting others out too. I cannot tell you the last time I allowed emotions to take over when I thought about Mom. It rubbed off onto my interactions with others around me, but sometimes being emotional can be a good thing. It is not healthy to put up a wall and put on the appearance that all is well. I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone in a long time - why set yourself up to get hurt! That is now changing - I have never felt more loved by these new women in my life - I even feel I can return those feelings. We had quite a hugfest on Saturday!

The Lord spoke to me while I was away - I know he was telling me I cannot just ignore my Mom! Funny thing - last week I just kept feeling this tug to call Mom for no reason other than to just say "Hi" and "I love you". I did, only to find out she had been hospitalized yet again. She didn't want to call us b/c it seems she only calls when she is in the hospital. She was so happy to hear from me and it made me feel so much better. Nothing was mentioned about her problems, we just said "Hi" and "I love you". She said, "Nothing is new here." I told her "That is okay, you don't have to call when something is up - you can just say Hi too." Then after this weekend, I knew I had done the right thing. I don't have to do things for her if she doesn't stay sober - but, I do love her no matter what and I do have to let her know that. It is up to her what she does from there.
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Since my last post, she has been relatively quiet. A few weeks ago she called me and said, "I am homeless, I need your help." She had it all figured out - she wanted to put her $ in my name and have me cosign and pay for an apartment for her. At first I thought, ok why not. But, then the rational side kicked in and I kept pushing her off. I didn't want to tell her no, she finally asked for help, but I knew it was not a practical option. She would turn over her $ to me, only to be at my door constantly wanting it. She wanted to pay almost $500 for an apartment and then live on about $300 a month - not possible w/o a serious plan. Funny thing, she called me daily when she wanted something. One night when she called, she was surely drunk and wanted me to tell G that I would pay him for the car when I got her $ if he would just let her have it now. When he got on the phone, we talked very little - he didn't have to say anything - Mom's actions said it all. She flipped out on him and said "I told you not to talk - A just need to say something to you." She was paranoid he might tell me the truth. I said "I know she won't listen now, but you don't have to tell me when she is drinking, its obvious." She continued to rant and rave and I just felt so sorry for him at that moment. That behavior confirmed my feelings on not helping her.

I prayed about it for 3 days and finally had to make the phone call to her. I was shaking and crying, but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. When she heard my voice - she immediately turned back into the Mom I once knew. It killed her that I was so upset over it. She told me "That is okay honey. I wouldn't do it either." Then she quickly got off the phone. The next day she called upset and wanted to know what changed my mind. She thought it was G or my DH and I had to tell her - "No Mom, it was my decision. I am sorry." She hung up on me. That was the last I had talked to her until last week.
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There were many prayers for her and myself this past weekend. Today, she called me and my sister. For no reason other than to say "Hi" and "I love you". Maybe God is speaking to her too.

She said she was in the hospital again over the weekend. She said both times were for dehydration. I don't know about that. I just have this feeling that she isn't going to make it much longer. Her habits have really taken a toll on her health. I have this feeling inside that God is getting my sister and I to a better point with her again - so that when she does go, we won't have horrible regrets to live with. I really hope I am wrong, but we will be better either way!

Arrested Again??

While Mom was at Grandma's last week - she left some papers on the dining room table. Grandma asked me to take it - I glanced at it and said "Ooh, this looks like a report of her record - I am going to read it." It turned out to be the reports from her last two probation meetings. Apparently she was arrested and her probation officer wrote up the police report in her probation report. It is ugly - sounds like an episode of COPS. I really can't believe this is my Mom.....

Drama and Lies as usual

Last Saturday, I dropped off Angel Food to Grandma's house and she was waiting to talk to me.

She said that Mom showed up Thursday am and wanted to spend the day with her. She did and the Barber picked her up that evening. Mom returned Friday morning to Grandma's. Grandma said they talked about different stuff including marriage, then Mom got really quiet. She stated that she had made a mistake an shouldn't have left G again. About an hour later she told Grandma she wanted to take a walk and never returned. She called Grandma that evening from G's. She claims she walked to the gas station and called him to get her. Grandma asked where the $ came from and she said she had a couple dollars in her pocket. When the Barber showed up after work to get Mom, Grandma told him she had never returned from a walk. The Barber said "Oh, I am sorry. I thought she might be on a binge again, b/c I have $ missing from the shop."

My guess is that she did call G - but I don't think that is all she was up to. Why wouldn't she just use Grandma's phone to call him??

When I left Grandma's house, I had a message from Mom on my phone. She wanted to come by my house and get her check and driver's license. I returned her call and I was 99% sure she was not sober. This was about 11:30am. We were getting together that afternoon with the family to celebrate a few birthdays - I invited her (she didn't know about it b/c no one ever knows where she is to invite her) and she quickly made up several excuses about why she couldn't make it. I didn't question her, I knew why she wasn't going. That afternoon, my Aunt told me she had called Mom that morning and "I am sorry to tell you, she was high or drunk or something." That confirmed my suspicions. Grandma said "But she was sober Thurs and Fri - how could she get all messed up that quick?" Doesn't take long Grandma, doesn't take long....

What's New

About a month ago, G called and had this "grand idea" to do an intervention for Mom. He said he was really worried and thought if the whole family go together, it would work. He had already called my Aunt and she wasn't available for about a month (if it doesn't work for her, it doesn't work....) He wanted to get mine and my sister's opinions. I told him I would see what I could do and hung up.

I felt so bad - he was actually reaching out for help (Mr. I Can Take Care Of Everything All By Myself), but I didn't want to help. I thought - She already knows why we have a bad relationship, do I really have to tell her again? Then I thought some more and realized that I probably have never actually "told" her - it just sort of happened and that was that. I talked to A about it, she agreed then cried. She felt horrible too. She has never expressed to Mom why she stays away either. We just figure Mom knows. She does, but does that mean we shouldn't say it? Just like Mom's Dad never said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. Is that the same thing?

I prayed and prayed, and by the time I got the courage to call Mom - she blew me off as usual. Came to the phone - put on her fake smile - and pretended everything was just fine. She was working on herself and that was all she would really say. I remembered once again, why I don't bother most of the time. But, sometimes you just feel like "What if?" so you try again......

Two weeks ago, G called. He told me that Mom was in the hospital again and not doing well. He had just gotten back from visiting her. She had already been there two days (well she started at a different hospital and was transferred) and they weren't sure what it was yet. She was scheduled for a test Tues am. He said she was all doped up on the pain meds and had no clue where she was or why or what was up. She gave G a hard time for not meeting her, myself, and my sister down at the pool. She was convinced we were on a family vacation and were at the hotel.

The next day I received a call from the Barber (that I would have ignored, had I known who it was....) - he was worried about Mom, she had a Parole meeting the week before and he hadn't see her since. He thought she had been arrested again. I couldn't lie and told him she was in the hospital, not jail. It didn't take long for him to find out which hospital....

He called me back to tell me her test had been moved to a later time. I waited until the afternoon to call her. She answered and was so happy to hear from me. She said they took her for the test and she freaked out on them. She told them she wasn't the patient. She thought she was there with me and my younger DS for him to get tests. They had to show her the wristband and postpone the procedure. She told me they lightened the pain meds and she was coming around. She was so embarrassed that happened. That evening G called, he had been at the hospital, saw the Barber's phone # on the table and stormed out. He wanted to know how he found her. I said "I told him - I couldn't lie to him, just like I can't lie to you..."

The next day the procedure was performed and they found sludge in her bile duct (gallbladder is already gone). I went up to the hospital that evening to visit. She looked really bad. She was so puffy I don't think she could bend her fingers. The Barber was there when I walked in. I asked about her being puffy and she said something about all the fluids they were pumping her with. The Barber said "Oh no, that's from the Boozin' Don't let her fool you, she was puffy before coming to the hospital." He left shortly after I showed up. When the night nurse came in, she looked at Mom's chart and said "Oh they changed your last name today." Mom laughed and just said "Yes, they did." I know that means G threw a fit and told those nurses to take his name off the records. I kept quiet.

I spoke with her Thursday and she was feeling better and wanted to go home. On Friday, my phone died so I couldn't call her until the evening. The hospital phone rang and rang - she was released and I didn't know who she went with - G or the Barber. I didn't call either one.

On Sunday, when we got home from church, there was a box of Mom's stuff on my porch with a message on my machine from G telling me he left it. I now knew where she was this time. She left me a message that evening telling me the Barber had her in the Country so she couldn't get into trouble. Wanted to know if I would take her license and check from G over to the Barber shop. I didn't.

Escaped Jail this time

G just called. Let me know that Mom called him this morning to come pick her up from the City. She crack-leased the Barber's truck and they wrecked it. Took out two innocent cars in the process. She actually had G drop her off at the Barber's camper. G said he told her we were worried and she should call, but I haven't heard from her today. G acted surprised - I am not.

Until about a year ago, I didn't even know you could "crack-lease" your car - Now I know you don't get them back. Mom has gone through 4 of her own vehicles that I know about and now the Barber's too. What a shame!

I am sure this has been said many times, but if only these addicts could use their smart/manipulative maneuvers in a positive way - I bet they would be very successful!

Will it be jail again?

G called me this afternoon. "It is imperative that you call me. Your mom is okay, as far as I know, but we have to help find her tonight. Call me"

Ugghhh....So, I prepare myself and call him back. He says the Barber called him to see if Mom was there. He told G that if she wasn't back tonight w/ his truck, he is calling to report it stolen in the morning and will follow through with pressing charges. G says that will violate her probation and add charges for grand larceny. He doesn't want her to go to prison. I said "I hope the Barber does press charges. What the fuck is she thinking? Normal people don't steal cars, especially from their so called boyfriends." That phone call sucked - my boys were in the backseat of the car waiting to go in Kmart for Super Doubles (okay so I was waiting for the Super Doubles, my boys just wanted out of the car) and I was egging Z on to cry in the background so I could get off the phone.

Anyway.... I am 99% sure G is now driving around the city looking for Mom so she doesn't get in trouble. I told him he shouldn't do that and he didn't respond to that. Poor guy - she will just use him again and again until he finally calls it quits. He knows that, but still continues to "help" her.

My sister and I were talking earlier. It just doesn't make sense that we are who we are today. My sister thinks she should be pregnant and barefoot in a trailer park with 4 kids yelling at the neighbors with a cigarrette in her mouth. But she isn't. She is getting ready for her Senior year of college earning her degree in teaching and doing well. I shouldn't be where I am either, according to statistics -I have a Masters degree in accounting, the World's Best Husband, two beautiful boys, and a great job. If you met our mother today, you wouldn't know we belonged to her.

It must have to do with the timing of her episodes. I remember turmoil in my life until about 1st or 2nd grade. I lived with my grandparents for awhile and I remember fighting. The thing is, I was young enough to not really remember what my life was "actually" like. I only hear about it from my grandmas. Mom was in a sober period of her life after that. Or at least to my knowlege, she was sober. If she wasn't, she was functioning. She had to - a single mom supporting me. Then she married my sister's dad. He was an alcoholic and Mom maintained the home. When A was about 2, he sobered up, but they still divorced. Mom went to nursing school and raised A and I on her own. She bought a house and we moved. When I was in high school, she started her own business. We took a few elderly people into our home and she cared for them 24/7. She became rather well-known for Diabetes care among the social workers and even had a waiting list. This is when G came into the picture. Right after I left for college, they purchased a residential care facility that had capacity for 20 residents. I think this was a huge factor in her downfall. She ended up with several mental health patients and began stealing their medications. I don't know if the state ever officially caught her, but they were on to her. She sold the place and it has been downhill ever since. A calls it "When Mom started sleeping on the couch ALL the time"

So, I think I was just too young and by the time I was more aware of my surroundings, Mom was great. And A had a great Mom until she was in Jr. High. At that point, A was old enough to know that wasn't "just how life is". No matter, the reason, we are thankful to God we are okay so far!

Update

Wow - it has really been a long time since I have posted. That is actually a good thing. It has been really quiet around here with Mom until recently.....

That shot/pill to make people stop drinking really is a "Miracle Drug" - but it's too damn expensive for the people that need it. And unfortunately, Mom was just using that and not working on her behavorial side. But, it worked while it lasted!

A few weeks ago, Mom moved out of G's again. She is living with the Barber in a camper on the side of the Hwy. (Yes, I said a camper!) She just goes back and forth between the two men.... G made two drop-ins to bring over Mom's stuff and bitch about her leaving. Haven't heard from him since then.

I bought food for Mom through the Angel Food Ministries (actually, G paid me back) I brought it over to her on Sunday after church (6/28). It was the first time I saw the trailer. Two days later, she called me and wanted me to come over and see where she is living. I said "I was just there. Don't you remember?" Her response was "When? I don't remember." When I told her I dropped food off to her, and asked how she thought she got the food, she said "Oh, you were here Sunday. That food was great." She seemed out-of-it when I saw her, but I didn't know why, now I know she was "out of it".

Mom got a cell phone with prepaid minutes, but that only lasted a week. She called us girls until her minutes ran out. One of the family dogs was sick last week and Mom just left town with the Barber and had A go by and check on the deathly ill dog - it was horrible. On Monday, when she got back to town, A drove over to check on the dog and Mom. Mom was on her way walking towards the Barber Shop. A picked her up and Mom was actually going to the liquor store next to the BarberShop. A said she just bought 1 beer and said "Forgive me, my dog is dying. I need a beer." A told her she didn't need any excuses, it is what is is and I am going home.

I just received a phonecall from the Barber cell phone. Figured it was Mom. Nope, it was the Barber looking for Mom. She has been gone for 2 days with his truck. Said she left during the night when he was asleep. He has no vehicle and is walking to and from the BarberShop to work. He didn't say, but I am sure she took his money too. Hopefully, we hear something soon....