Friday, October 1, 2010

Always how she wants to see it.......

I called G today to see what was up. I hadn't heard from her since I dropped off the letter at the treatment facility. G says she came home Wednesday and is now in outpatient again. She refuses to call me. Apparently, she thinks my letter was saying that I don't want her in my life and she has been crying about it for a week. He said that the therapist is trying to use it in sessions and show her that it reads the exact opposite. G read it and is trying to tell her the same thing.

Well, that sucks! What that means to me is that she doesn't plan to get sober. I clearly stated that we want her back, but not if she isn't sober. Once again, she reads things the way she wants to. Not sure why I keep trying.....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tough Day

Yesterday was a tough day for me! I have really worked hard to keep Mom from always being the focus. I have worked hard to keep the walls up so she doesn't continuously hurt me. For some reason, the past week or so - it has all been getting to me. Nothing has changed with her. She is still using and lying. Though I don't think the Barber has been around for months - that is good.

She did have a sober period for about a month this summer right before A left to go back to school. It was very nice. I brought the boys over a few times to swim with her and she even hosted a family birthday dinner. It was short-lived. According to G, once her check came - she was off to the city again....

The family went out to eat for my cousin's birthday a few weeks ago. Mom and G actually showed up. She wasn't sober. It was obvious. (And in just a week or so, she had swelled up again) She choked on her steak in the restaurant. There just happened to be paramedics there eating. They came over to help. The restaurant employees were all so worried and concerned for her. I felt nothing. All I could think was "Maybe if you weren't drunk, you could chew your food." She ended up in the hospital the next day with the pancreatitis again. She now has developed cysts on her pancreas and they were so large, they almost had to go in to drain them. She tries to claim it isn't from drinking. Seriously Mom????

I think yesterday I let G get to me. Mom went to yet another rehab last week, stayed 2 days, went to the hospital and then went to a different treatment center this week. Then called G and asked him to pick her up - she would do outpatient. He was blowing her off and wanted my opinion if she should do IP. I tried to tell him we can't control her, but he still doesn't get that.... I ended up writing her a letter and didn't hold back. I dropped it off at the trmt center and she called G later and said she would stay at treatment. I told her that we love her and want her better, but we refuse to have anything to do with her not sober. I also told her that her love of drugs and alcohol is greater than her love for us - I know she doesn't really think that - but it is how it makes us feel. I don't have high hopes for this round of treatment. G thinks she has been in treatment 15 times. I think he may have missed a few.......

For now, I must focus on myself and my family. I have to find the strength to tell G he has just as much of a problem as Mom and he is bringing me down....

Thank God for the wonderful support I have found from a few special ladies at my Church!! They help me realize that as tough as it is, I am doing the right thing.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Update from Sunday's Post

I sort of ran off and didn't completely finish my last post (gets crazy in the house when the kids get home with Dad....)

When G called and we figured out Mom had taken off, A burst into tears. I felt so bad for her. After she had such a great heart-to-heart with Mom a few days before, I know she felt completely abandoned and betrayed again at that moment. I just can't help her either. At least we have each other to work it out together.....

A had actually told Mom how she felt abandoned by her. How could Mom choose drugs/alcohol over her. She was only in High School and still needed her. Mom told her "I felt it was better for you to go live with your sister. I figured my girls were grown and I could go out and live the wild life again."

Grown??? She was in High school for pete's sake. And I don't care how old you are, you always need your Mom. So, then Sunday she disappears and took A's heart again. I don't know how to keep her from getting her hopes up - it is difficult for me too.

Last week, Mom was in OP rehab. Though Friday we are quite sure she didn't go - she would not have been at my house planting flowers..... I actually had a Freak-Out moment. A was rubbing off on me and I guess I got a little scared she was actually going to rehab. I have to admit I was TERRIFIED! I have worked so hard to create the healthy distance - I am not quite sure I am ready for her to get help. I don't even know how to re-establish a good relationship if that time were to come. I hate to admit this, but it is almost easier now if she doesn't get well...... I pray every night for her to find her strength to get better. I really do want that for her, but I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.

On Sunday evening my DH went with G to the City. G had went down there earlier to try and find her. He found the car. He took his spare key and they brought the car back home (to hopefully prevent it from being crack-leased or anything else). I am struggling with this still. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to get involved in - I am afraid G's real motive was not to save $, but to still have control over Mom. But, it is done and G called yesterday. She came home.

Today, I have a voicemail from her "Hi hon. It's Mom. I am calling to apologize again for my behavior and making everyone worry about me. I still love you."

I think what make it so difficult is that some days, she really means it. She really does put us first, she really wants to get better, she really does care about us, etc. Then one bad day - and we are back to square one. Oh, I just pray for her strength on the bad days!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Just more lies, as usual......

Since I last posted, not much has changed with my Mom. I have been working hard on changing my reactions to her. It still sucks. She continues to lie/steal/cheat/use... She still lives in her own world and thinks no one is the wiser.

She called me the Friday before Mother's day to say "Just in case I forget, i want to tell you now, Happy Mother's Day." and told me she was taking Grandma out Sunday, if we wanted to meet them - she would love to see us.
On Sunday, G called to say "Sorry, your Mom took off Friday afternoon and I haven't seen her since. We won't be there for dinner." Apparently, some backpay arrived in the mail Friday and she was off - Completely disregarding the plans she had made a few hours before. My grandma was disappointed. So was I....

Last Sunday she called and left a VM. "Sorry to disappoint you all again. I am going to treatment tomorrow and would like to hear from you." She was admitted to outpatient (What are they thinking???? - probably don't want to waste their time...). On Thursday, my sister went to watch a movie with her. She had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Let her know we were not oblivious to what she was up to. On Friday, she put flowers in my yard and a few garden ornaments. I called her about it. She said, "Since you are going to be selling your house, I thought I would help spruce up the yard for you." We didn't really talk much more, someone came over to the house and she was distracted. She said, "I will see you at Church."
So this morning - no show at church. About 1pm, G calls A and says "Is your Mom still with you guys." Apparently she talked him into driving herself this morning.

As I logged in to update the blog and vent..... I caught up with another blogger and liked what she had to say, so I am copying it.
Sorry guys, but that is the bitter, honest, complete and total truth.
Force them into all the rehabs you can pay for. You are wasting your money.
Give them all the rules you want. They will ignore them.
Give them all the support they can use. It will make no difference.
Trust them all you want, they will rip you off over and over.
All these programs out there for addicts...and they don't bother. Wonder why I don't care whether or not an addict gets treatment? Because they don't WANT treatment. And when they DO want treatment, THEY find it for themselves.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

God is speaking to us!

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This past weekend, I attended a Women's Retreat with our Church. This was the first time I had been to something like this. I am quite sure it was meant for me to be there. When it was first announced there would be a Women's retreat, I smiled at my DH and said "Don't think I will go to that." A few weeks later, one of the ladies asked if I could assist with the budget portion of the event, she needed help in that area and knew that was a strong point of mine. Long story short, I ended up on the planning committee - how could I not go? Thank God I did!

The theme for the weekend was "Reconnect, Revive, and Rejoice". Little did I know it would have such an impact on me. The just of the story - if you hold resentment/anger/grudges against just one person, you are actually shutting out everyone. It isn't really possible to love "everyone but that one person". I was starting to come to this conclusion on my own (or God was helping me along), but the speaker this weekend clinched it for me.

In my attempt to guard myself from the hurt of my Mom's actions, I was shutting her out. I felt like if she wasn't sober, I just wouldn't be around her. But in my heart, I was aching - I felt horrible for "ignoring" her. I knew that my avoiding her, wasn't really helping the situation. I realize now that I must love her the way she is. That does not mean I have to enable her. That just means I cannot shut her out of my life - she is my Mom after all!

While I was focusing on keeping the bad away, I unintentionally was shutting others out too. I cannot tell you the last time I allowed emotions to take over when I thought about Mom. It rubbed off onto my interactions with others around me, but sometimes being emotional can be a good thing. It is not healthy to put up a wall and put on the appearance that all is well. I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone in a long time - why set yourself up to get hurt! That is now changing - I have never felt more loved by these new women in my life - I even feel I can return those feelings. We had quite a hugfest on Saturday!

The Lord spoke to me while I was away - I know he was telling me I cannot just ignore my Mom! Funny thing - last week I just kept feeling this tug to call Mom for no reason other than to just say "Hi" and "I love you". I did, only to find out she had been hospitalized yet again. She didn't want to call us b/c it seems she only calls when she is in the hospital. She was so happy to hear from me and it made me feel so much better. Nothing was mentioned about her problems, we just said "Hi" and "I love you". She said, "Nothing is new here." I told her "That is okay, you don't have to call when something is up - you can just say Hi too." Then after this weekend, I knew I had done the right thing. I don't have to do things for her if she doesn't stay sober - but, I do love her no matter what and I do have to let her know that. It is up to her what she does from there.

Since my last post, she has been relatively quiet. A few weeks ago she called me and said, "I am homeless, I need your help." She had it all figured out - she wanted to put her $ in my name and have me cosign and pay for an apartment for her. At first I thought, ok why not. But, then the rational side kicked in and I kept pushing her off. I didn't want to tell her no, she finally asked for help, but I knew it was not a practical option. She would turn over her $ to me, only to be at my door constantly wanting it. She wanted to pay almost $500 for an apartment and then live on about $300 a month - not possible w/o a serious plan. Funny thing, she called me daily when she wanted something. One night when she called, she was surely drunk and wanted me to tell G that I would pay him for the car when I got her $ if he would just let her have it now. When he got on the phone, we talked very little - he didn't have to say anything - Mom's actions said it all. She flipped out on him and said "I told you not to talk - A just need to say something to you." She was paranoid he might tell me the truth. I said "I know she won't listen now, but you don't have to tell me when she is drinking, its obvious." She continued to rant and rave and I just felt so sorry for him at that moment. That behavior confirmed my feelings on not helping her.

I prayed about it for 3 days and finally had to make the phone call to her. I was shaking and crying, but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. When she heard my voice - she immediately turned back into the Mom I once knew. It killed her that I was so upset over it. She told me "That is okay honey. I wouldn't do it either." Then she quickly got off the phone. The next day she called upset and wanted to know what changed my mind. She thought it was G or my DH and I had to tell her - "No Mom, it was my decision. I am sorry." She hung up on me. That was the last I had talked to her until last week.

There were many prayers for her and myself this past weekend. Today, she called me and my sister. For no reason other than to say "Hi" and "I love you". Maybe God is speaking to her too.

She said she was in the hospital again over the weekend. She said both times were for dehydration. I don't know about that. I just have this feeling that she isn't going to make it much longer. Her habits have really taken a toll on her health. I have this feeling inside that God is getting my sister and I to a better point with her again - so that when she does go, we won't have horrible regrets to live with. I really hope I am wrong, but we will be better either way!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Arrested Again??

While Mom was at Grandma's last week - she left some papers on the dining room table. Grandma asked me to take it - I glanced at it and said "Ooh, this looks like a report of her record - I am going to read it." It turned out to be the reports from her last two probation meetings. Apparently she was arrested and her probation officer wrote up the police report in her probation report. It is ugly - sounds like an episode of COPS. I really can't believe this is my Mom.....

Drama and Lies as usual

Last Saturday, I dropped off Angel Food to Grandma's house and she was waiting to talk to me.

She said that Mom showed up Thursday am and wanted to spend the day with her. She did and the Barber picked her up that evening. Mom returned Friday morning to Grandma's. Grandma said they talked about different stuff including marriage, then Mom got really quiet. She stated that she had made a mistake an shouldn't have left G again. About an hour later she told Grandma she wanted to take a walk and never returned. She called Grandma that evening from G's. She claims she walked to the gas station and called him to get her. Grandma asked where the $ came from and she said she had a couple dollars in her pocket. When the Barber showed up after work to get Mom, Grandma told him she had never returned from a walk. The Barber said "Oh, I am sorry. I thought she might be on a binge again, b/c I have $ missing from the shop."

My guess is that she did call G - but I don't think that is all she was up to. Why wouldn't she just use Grandma's phone to call him??

When I left Grandma's house, I had a message from Mom on my phone. She wanted to come by my house and get her check and driver's license. I returned her call and I was 99% sure she was not sober. This was about 11:30am. We were getting together that afternoon with the family to celebrate a few birthdays - I invited her (she didn't know about it b/c no one ever knows where she is to invite her) and she quickly made up several excuses about why she couldn't make it. I didn't question her, I knew why she wasn't going. That afternoon, my Aunt told me she had called Mom that morning and "I am sorry to tell you, she was high or drunk or something." That confirmed my suspicions. Grandma said "But she was sober Thurs and Fri - how could she get all messed up that quick?" Doesn't take long Grandma, doesn't take long....