Tuesday, October 20, 2009

God is speaking to us!

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

This past weekend, I attended a Women's Retreat with our Church. This was the first time I had been to something like this. I am quite sure it was meant for me to be there. When it was first announced there would be a Women's retreat, I smiled at my DH and said "Don't think I will go to that." A few weeks later, one of the ladies asked if I could assist with the budget portion of the event, she needed help in that area and knew that was a strong point of mine. Long story short, I ended up on the planning committee - how could I not go? Thank God I did!

The theme for the weekend was "Reconnect, Revive, and Rejoice". Little did I know it would have such an impact on me. The just of the story - if you hold resentment/anger/grudges against just one person, you are actually shutting out everyone. It isn't really possible to love "everyone but that one person". I was starting to come to this conclusion on my own (or God was helping me along), but the speaker this weekend clinched it for me.

In my attempt to guard myself from the hurt of my Mom's actions, I was shutting her out. I felt like if she wasn't sober, I just wouldn't be around her. But in my heart, I was aching - I felt horrible for "ignoring" her. I knew that my avoiding her, wasn't really helping the situation. I realize now that I must love her the way she is. That does not mean I have to enable her. That just means I cannot shut her out of my life - she is my Mom after all!

While I was focusing on keeping the bad away, I unintentionally was shutting others out too. I cannot tell you the last time I allowed emotions to take over when I thought about Mom. It rubbed off onto my interactions with others around me, but sometimes being emotional can be a good thing. It is not healthy to put up a wall and put on the appearance that all is well. I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone in a long time - why set yourself up to get hurt! That is now changing - I have never felt more loved by these new women in my life - I even feel I can return those feelings. We had quite a hugfest on Saturday!

The Lord spoke to me while I was away - I know he was telling me I cannot just ignore my Mom! Funny thing - last week I just kept feeling this tug to call Mom for no reason other than to just say "Hi" and "I love you". I did, only to find out she had been hospitalized yet again. She didn't want to call us b/c it seems she only calls when she is in the hospital. She was so happy to hear from me and it made me feel so much better. Nothing was mentioned about her problems, we just said "Hi" and "I love you". She said, "Nothing is new here." I told her "That is okay, you don't have to call when something is up - you can just say Hi too." Then after this weekend, I knew I had done the right thing. I don't have to do things for her if she doesn't stay sober - but, I do love her no matter what and I do have to let her know that. It is up to her what she does from there.

Since my last post, she has been relatively quiet. A few weeks ago she called me and said, "I am homeless, I need your help." She had it all figured out - she wanted to put her $ in my name and have me cosign and pay for an apartment for her. At first I thought, ok why not. But, then the rational side kicked in and I kept pushing her off. I didn't want to tell her no, she finally asked for help, but I knew it was not a practical option. She would turn over her $ to me, only to be at my door constantly wanting it. She wanted to pay almost $500 for an apartment and then live on about $300 a month - not possible w/o a serious plan. Funny thing, she called me daily when she wanted something. One night when she called, she was surely drunk and wanted me to tell G that I would pay him for the car when I got her $ if he would just let her have it now. When he got on the phone, we talked very little - he didn't have to say anything - Mom's actions said it all. She flipped out on him and said "I told you not to talk - A just need to say something to you." She was paranoid he might tell me the truth. I said "I know she won't listen now, but you don't have to tell me when she is drinking, its obvious." She continued to rant and rave and I just felt so sorry for him at that moment. That behavior confirmed my feelings on not helping her.

I prayed about it for 3 days and finally had to make the phone call to her. I was shaking and crying, but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. When she heard my voice - she immediately turned back into the Mom I once knew. It killed her that I was so upset over it. She told me "That is okay honey. I wouldn't do it either." Then she quickly got off the phone. The next day she called upset and wanted to know what changed my mind. She thought it was G or my DH and I had to tell her - "No Mom, it was my decision. I am sorry." She hung up on me. That was the last I had talked to her until last week.

There were many prayers for her and myself this past weekend. Today, she called me and my sister. For no reason other than to say "Hi" and "I love you". Maybe God is speaking to her too.

She said she was in the hospital again over the weekend. She said both times were for dehydration. I don't know about that. I just have this feeling that she isn't going to make it much longer. Her habits have really taken a toll on her health. I have this feeling inside that God is getting my sister and I to a better point with her again - so that when she does go, we won't have horrible regrets to live with. I really hope I am wrong, but we will be better either way!


mother of drug addict said...

Sounds like a great retreat and that you learned alot! I hope all goes the way you want with your mother, but remember that its not your plan its Gods plan that will win out! Prayer for both you and your sister!!

TBL said...

Just wanted to say wow. I am the Father of three Daughters, and also an addict, they are to young to convey anything to me. This blog is an eye-opener.