Thursday, November 20, 2008
I'm sitting in my dorm room with a sorority sister and I forget the context but she mentions igloos in Canada. Where does my mind lead? To a time in elementary school when I was stuck with what I thought was a horrendous assignment about igloos. After throwing a fit to my mom about how unfair it is that I got that topic, she surprises me the next day with several books from the library about igloos. Of course from here it leads to all the great things she has done for me and I can't help but wonder where my mom went. I then think of the time when she got a big blue coat from Old Navy for Christmas and how upset I was that she had gotten the wrong one. The same guilt of hurting her rushes over me as if I was in sixth grade again. It seems like I can't let my guilt and pain of feeling as though I had an effect on her need to use go because she still hasn't come home. I've realized now that I'm older she has really been gone for a long time now, and I'm stuck sorting out the memories. This is a difficult task for me because when my sister pulled me out of the disastrous situation I blocked most everything that caused me pain. I know that I had to leave and take care of myself in order to survive but I can't help but think about how I used to know what was going on with her. I do realize that this was extremely unhealthy because I tormented myself to control and fix it all. But I can't help but wonder if it's just as tormenting to wonder about the unknown. I'm stuck crying at midnight when my day is finally done because this afternoon a conversation triggered buried memories.