Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I knew this time would come again.....

Last week, Mom called and asked if I would pick her up for church. I told her that we were picking up Grandma and I would have to make sure we could take Grandmas van for the space. She said "Nevermind. I will drive myself. See you there tomorrow morning."

Needless to say, she didn't show. But, we had a message on our machine "Sorry I didn't make it to church, my stomach is hurting. We would like to bring Easter baskets to the boys tomorrow. Call me." I didn't.

Her and G showed up last Monday to bring by the Easter baskets and visit. Mom was not sober. G had to hold her arm so she could walk up our driveway without wobbling. She was repeating herself over and over. She did have fun pushing Z's new play lawnmower around the room and Z thought it was funny too. I couldn't quite place what was wrong with her until our visit was almost over. (She ALWAYS blames it on her meds being mixed up again....) I could definitely smell the alcohol on her. My DH said he thought maybe she was on painkillers. Either way, it was something. She was complaining about her stomach hurting and how she was going to make the appt. to get her gallbladder removed. She said she would call if she went to the hospital. No call all last week.

Then Saturday, she calls again asking for a ride to church. I told her we would be there at 9:45 to get her. We picked her up, then Grandma, and the whole crew went to church Sunday. When she got into our car, she "reeked" of perfume - I had to roll the window down so I didn't drown in it. She also had a piece of gum. It wasn't until part way into the service that I smelled it again. I was sick to my stomach! I had to remind myself where I was and why and worry about her later.

When we picked her up, she mentioned that she just got home from the hospital. I said "I thought you were going to call if you went to the hospital" "Are you feeling better, what did they say?" Then I threw in "Stop Drinking??" She said "No they didn't say that, but it is a problem again. My shot is wearing off and it is too much $ to get again. Not sure what I will do."

I knew this time would come again. Now I have to figure out the best way to let her know that she wasn't fooling us. I have to let her know (again) that she is not welcome when she is not sober. And, what hurts the most - I have to tell her that she cannot come to church with us unless she is sober. She loves the service, (though I can't say she takes the advice well), and has already in a few weeks made a few "friends" there. She makes her own choices and I make mine. I wish it wasn't so difficult though!

After church, Grandma wanted to go out for lunch, but Mom insisted on being brought back home first. I am quite sure she was afraid G would yell at her. That is also sad - the only person that will put up with her and take care of her is the same one causing her to use by his controlling ways. He sucks..... He just keeps her in his vicious cycle. He actually bribes her with her addictions sometimes - then tells us he doesn't enable.

I asked Grandma if she noticed anything after we dropped Mom off. She just noticed the smell. Neither one of us would have ever known if we didn't smell it. She didn't act funny or anything. I finally had a chance to talk to Grandma a little since we were stuck together in the car. She said she just feels so guilty that her daughter is this way. She said "I never knew and I just don't know how I didn't know all this time." I just said "Grandma, it is not your fault. And I didn't know either." Oh this addiction crap sucks!

3 comments:

sydney_savage said...

Oh I am sorry for what you are going through. The best thing I ever did for myself was to let go with love... as they say in al anon.

Fractalmom said...

"I am quite sure she was afraid G would yell at her. That is also sad - the only person that will put up with her and take care of her is the same one causing her to use by his controlling ways. He sucks..... He just keeps her in his vicious cycle. He actually bribes her with her addictions sometimes - then tells us he doesn't enable."

that statement scares me. but not probably for the reasons you think.

it rather sounds like you are making excuses for your mother.

you know better.

G and her are obviously in a co-dependent relationship. she is just as guilty as is he.

it is what it is.

I am still really sorry that it has interfered in your sister's and your lives to this degree. that is sad no matter what.

Daughter A said...

"that statement scares me. but not probably for the reasons you think.
it rather sounds like you are making excuses for your mother.
you know better. "

Thanks for your concern! I see exactly what you are saying.

They are absolutely both guilty. I am not so sure Mom would straighten up without him. I know she won't with him. - That is the sucky part! We are so thankful that someone takes responsibility for her so we don't have to. (Ooh guilty feelings are rising as I say that) But seriously, how much easier is it when someone else "deals" with it for you.

Then at the same time, we wish she would just leave him b/c he is a controlling jerk and she could be so much stronger without him. Or could she.... Surely not in her current condition.

It all comes back to her having to make that choice and she just isn't doing it.....