Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Forgiveness
We just finished a powerful sermon series at Church and one of the weeks was on forgiveness.
I don't consider myself one to have issues with this topic except for one event that really changed my opinion of my Mom.
About 3 1/2 yrs ago, my Mom was having problems with her depression/anxiety and was not holding down a job. She was filing for disability and I thought it would help her out to have her babysit our son. It was great for us too, financially and the location. That was until a day I will never forget.
I was at work when my cell phone rang and it said Momcell. I answered it and a police officer introduced himself. He stated that he had just arrested my mother for purchasing crack and had my son in the backseat of his vehicle. I would need to come get him ASAP. My baby wasn't even 3 mths old! I melted down and then called my DH and my Dad. My Dad got to the location before I did. The poor DEA officer was so concerned my DS would wake up and he didn't know what to do. When I got there, he told me that my Mom had been arrested the week before for the same thing and why would I leave my son with her. He said next time I would be arrested for child endangerment. I said "Don't worry, there won't be a next time." And there hasn't been since that day.
I had no idea. I blamed my Mom's behavior on her illness. So did she. I didn't realize she was up all hours doing crack. I knew she was arrested the week before, but I was told it was b/c her plates were expired (this was true) and she had a warrant for a bad check (also true) - they failed to tell me the origin of the arrest. I didn't have any reason to think otherwise. I mean seriously, I don't even know a thing about crack - except that it really messes people up! And at that time, I didn't know that G was a liar too.
The reason that I can't get past this is because Mom doesn't acknowledge it. She had the nerve to say to ds shortly after it happened "I don't understand what the deal is. We just went for a car ride." A 9am crack run, I think is what she meant to say. (And why do you say that to an infant - why not to me??) She also said, "The officer was just trying to scare you. You won't get arrested for letting me watch the baby." To this day - she hasn't apologized. I can see where she was coming from about it just being a car ride. Apparently to her, it was no big deal. That is the frame of mind that crack puts someone in. But seriously, that is when our relationship went sour and she has to know that. I am just waiting for the day she faces it.
This is the hurdle I am trying to get over. I have learned to live our lives separate from my Mom. I have figured out how to keep the boys exposure to her very little - and I have come to terms with the fact that it just has to be that way. Now I better work on dealing with the family and how they handle my Mom. (that is why I don't call grandma, I don't like to hear her say things about Mom - always true - but I don't like it)
By the way, my Dad is also an addict. He is in a sober period right now, but my dh and I have been having some doubts lately. He is very close to a 4 yr sobriety, I hope he hasn't messed it up. He went to rehab (2nd time relapse after Hepititis illness) while I was pregnant. That is when our relationship really began - he wasn't around most of my life b/c of his addiction issues and his ex-wife. He has been there for every moment with my boys. It has been wonderful. Right after I had my 2nd ds, Dad and his gf started coming over every Friday to watch the boys and let us get out. I am not so sure about V, now his wife of 1 1/2 yrs. I like her, but I don't know if she is the right one for my Dad. I have a feeling she is a social drinker and I don't see how he stays sober while he is with her. There have been a few clues, maybe as they occur this blog will be about both of my parents.....
I don't consider myself one to have issues with this topic except for one event that really changed my opinion of my Mom.
About 3 1/2 yrs ago, my Mom was having problems with her depression/anxiety and was not holding down a job. She was filing for disability and I thought it would help her out to have her babysit our son. It was great for us too, financially and the location. That was until a day I will never forget.
I was at work when my cell phone rang and it said Momcell. I answered it and a police officer introduced himself. He stated that he had just arrested my mother for purchasing crack and had my son in the backseat of his vehicle. I would need to come get him ASAP. My baby wasn't even 3 mths old! I melted down and then called my DH and my Dad. My Dad got to the location before I did. The poor DEA officer was so concerned my DS would wake up and he didn't know what to do. When I got there, he told me that my Mom had been arrested the week before for the same thing and why would I leave my son with her. He said next time I would be arrested for child endangerment. I said "Don't worry, there won't be a next time." And there hasn't been since that day.
I had no idea. I blamed my Mom's behavior on her illness. So did she. I didn't realize she was up all hours doing crack. I knew she was arrested the week before, but I was told it was b/c her plates were expired (this was true) and she had a warrant for a bad check (also true) - they failed to tell me the origin of the arrest. I didn't have any reason to think otherwise. I mean seriously, I don't even know a thing about crack - except that it really messes people up! And at that time, I didn't know that G was a liar too.
The reason that I can't get past this is because Mom doesn't acknowledge it. She had the nerve to say to ds shortly after it happened "I don't understand what the deal is. We just went for a car ride." A 9am crack run, I think is what she meant to say. (And why do you say that to an infant - why not to me??) She also said, "The officer was just trying to scare you. You won't get arrested for letting me watch the baby." To this day - she hasn't apologized. I can see where she was coming from about it just being a car ride. Apparently to her, it was no big deal. That is the frame of mind that crack puts someone in. But seriously, that is when our relationship went sour and she has to know that. I am just waiting for the day she faces it.
This is the hurdle I am trying to get over. I have learned to live our lives separate from my Mom. I have figured out how to keep the boys exposure to her very little - and I have come to terms with the fact that it just has to be that way. Now I better work on dealing with the family and how they handle my Mom. (that is why I don't call grandma, I don't like to hear her say things about Mom - always true - but I don't like it)
By the way, my Dad is also an addict. He is in a sober period right now, but my dh and I have been having some doubts lately. He is very close to a 4 yr sobriety, I hope he hasn't messed it up. He went to rehab (2nd time relapse after Hepititis illness) while I was pregnant. That is when our relationship really began - he wasn't around most of my life b/c of his addiction issues and his ex-wife. He has been there for every moment with my boys. It has been wonderful. Right after I had my 2nd ds, Dad and his gf started coming over every Friday to watch the boys and let us get out. I am not so sure about V, now his wife of 1 1/2 yrs. I like her, but I don't know if she is the right one for my Dad. I have a feeling she is a social drinker and I don't see how he stays sober while he is with her. There have been a few clues, maybe as they occur this blog will be about both of my parents.....
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Long time, no post.....
Where have I been - right here, just waiting..... waiting for that blow up moment, but it just hasn't happened. It is really wierd and I don't know what to think!
Mom called me one Saturday morning. Just to chat, etc. She was sober. She was talking about AA meetings and what she was doing to keep herself busy.
A week later, she called again. Again, she was sober and just wanted to chat. And she actually called me out for not calling Grandma (that is a whole different story and it meant she was in contact with her) I decided to invite her to church with us. She was so excited and said YES. Sunday am came and I called to make sure she was still coming. G answered and said she was sleeping and wouldn't be going. Figures.
I was upset for a day and then thought, whatever. Thursday, she calls me. I ignored it and she left a message that she was sorry she missed us Sunday. Oh and she had a question about counted cross stitch. That really pissed me off. The only reason she called was b/c she had a question and then "oh yeah, I better apologize."
Then she called again on Saturday. Again, she was sober. She apologized sincerely for missing church and wanted to know if she could go this week. She says her meds are all screwed up and she is sleepy alot. She again mentioned her meetings and was talking about making amends with people. (Don't know when she plans on making amends with me and my family.....)
She ended up going with us and had a wonderful time. She visited with the boys in the backseat on the car ride and it was nice. So, last Friday I called to see if she wanted to go again. G answers and says "Well, i am not supposed to tell you but she is at rehab again." He tells me how much she enjoyed our visit and that she is just not right. He thinks her meds are interacting and doesn't know how to help. It was really odd the way he talked about it. Almost like he was making it up, then again I am not sure. I asked if it was court-mandated, he said no. I almost wonder if she is at a mental hospital rather than a rehab. I think she has issues that she doesn't discuss with us girls - I am sure the crack and other drugs have not helped her mental state. Maybe she will call soon. Until then, I am taking One day at a time because I just don't know what to think.
Mom called me one Saturday morning. Just to chat, etc. She was sober. She was talking about AA meetings and what she was doing to keep herself busy.
A week later, she called again. Again, she was sober and just wanted to chat. And she actually called me out for not calling Grandma (that is a whole different story and it meant she was in contact with her) I decided to invite her to church with us. She was so excited and said YES. Sunday am came and I called to make sure she was still coming. G answered and said she was sleeping and wouldn't be going. Figures.
I was upset for a day and then thought, whatever. Thursday, she calls me. I ignored it and she left a message that she was sorry she missed us Sunday. Oh and she had a question about counted cross stitch. That really pissed me off. The only reason she called was b/c she had a question and then "oh yeah, I better apologize."
Then she called again on Saturday. Again, she was sober. She apologized sincerely for missing church and wanted to know if she could go this week. She says her meds are all screwed up and she is sleepy alot. She again mentioned her meetings and was talking about making amends with people. (Don't know when she plans on making amends with me and my family.....)
She ended up going with us and had a wonderful time. She visited with the boys in the backseat on the car ride and it was nice. So, last Friday I called to see if she wanted to go again. G answers and says "Well, i am not supposed to tell you but she is at rehab again." He tells me how much she enjoyed our visit and that she is just not right. He thinks her meds are interacting and doesn't know how to help. It was really odd the way he talked about it. Almost like he was making it up, then again I am not sure. I asked if it was court-mandated, he said no. I almost wonder if she is at a mental hospital rather than a rehab. I think she has issues that she doesn't discuss with us girls - I am sure the crack and other drugs have not helped her mental state. Maybe she will call soon. Until then, I am taking One day at a time because I just don't know what to think.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Things I Promise Not to Do to My Kids
I fully expect to update this post as time goes on....
Today, 3/4/09, I promise to not make false promises to my children.
Today, 3/4/09, I promise to not make false promises to my children.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Mom called on Valentine's Day - "Hi, I have a few things for the boys. Can I come over?" I guess so.
About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)
They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....
I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....
About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)
They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....
I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Past
I had convinced myself that I am a strong willed and determined person who has not allowed my past to affect my current life. Until now. Recently I have been feeling down and as if not cared about...basically in need of validation.
After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."
I replied, "No, not since last semester."
He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."
He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.
After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....
After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."
I replied, "No, not since last semester."
He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."
He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.
After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Letter
I recieved a letter from mom. It was really nice actually. The last time we had talked she was "cured" and said that she would write to me, so that we could keep contact while I am at school. Then the business with G and the Barber and the car went down. Yet I recieved a letter after all of this. She did mention getting a shot for alcohol and two pills for coccaine. I talked a lot with my father (who is 19 yrs. sobar) and he said he still won't let the thought of her being sobar cross his mind until it has been two years. He can usually bring me back to reality of not getting my hopes up for my mom to come back. He usually tries to help me understand that she probably won't ever come back, that I was too young to realize she was never here....But it is nice to have contact with her and I definetly enjoy when she writes me.
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