I called G today to see what was up. I hadn't heard from her since I dropped off the letter at the treatment facility. G says she came home Wednesday and is now in outpatient again. She refuses to call me. Apparently, she thinks my letter was saying that I don't want her in my life and she has been crying about it for a week. He said that the therapist is trying to use it in sessions and show her that it reads the exact opposite. G read it and is trying to tell her the same thing.
Well, that sucks! What that means to me is that she doesn't plan to get sober. I clearly stated that we want her back, but not if she isn't sober. Once again, she reads things the way she wants to. Not sure why I keep trying.....
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tough Day
Yesterday was a tough day for me! I have really worked hard to keep Mom from always being the focus. I have worked hard to keep the walls up so she doesn't continuously hurt me. For some reason, the past week or so - it has all been getting to me. Nothing has changed with her. She is still using and lying. Though I don't think the Barber has been around for months - that is good.
She did have a sober period for about a month this summer right before A left to go back to school. It was very nice. I brought the boys over a few times to swim with her and she even hosted a family birthday dinner. It was short-lived. According to G, once her check came - she was off to the city again....
The family went out to eat for my cousin's birthday a few weeks ago. Mom and G actually showed up. She wasn't sober. It was obvious. (And in just a week or so, she had swelled up again) She choked on her steak in the restaurant. There just happened to be paramedics there eating. They came over to help. The restaurant employees were all so worried and concerned for her. I felt nothing. All I could think was "Maybe if you weren't drunk, you could chew your food." She ended up in the hospital the next day with the pancreatitis again. She now has developed cysts on her pancreas and they were so large, they almost had to go in to drain them. She tries to claim it isn't from drinking. Seriously Mom????
I think yesterday I let G get to me. Mom went to yet another rehab last week, stayed 2 days, went to the hospital and then went to a different treatment center this week. Then called G and asked him to pick her up - she would do outpatient. He was blowing her off and wanted my opinion if she should do IP. I tried to tell him we can't control her, but he still doesn't get that.... I ended up writing her a letter and didn't hold back. I dropped it off at the trmt center and she called G later and said she would stay at treatment. I told her that we love her and want her better, but we refuse to have anything to do with her not sober. I also told her that her love of drugs and alcohol is greater than her love for us - I know she doesn't really think that - but it is how it makes us feel. I don't have high hopes for this round of treatment. G thinks she has been in treatment 15 times. I think he may have missed a few.......
For now, I must focus on myself and my family. I have to find the strength to tell G he has just as much of a problem as Mom and he is bringing me down....
Thank God for the wonderful support I have found from a few special ladies at my Church!! They help me realize that as tough as it is, I am doing the right thing.
She did have a sober period for about a month this summer right before A left to go back to school. It was very nice. I brought the boys over a few times to swim with her and she even hosted a family birthday dinner. It was short-lived. According to G, once her check came - she was off to the city again....
The family went out to eat for my cousin's birthday a few weeks ago. Mom and G actually showed up. She wasn't sober. It was obvious. (And in just a week or so, she had swelled up again) She choked on her steak in the restaurant. There just happened to be paramedics there eating. They came over to help. The restaurant employees were all so worried and concerned for her. I felt nothing. All I could think was "Maybe if you weren't drunk, you could chew your food." She ended up in the hospital the next day with the pancreatitis again. She now has developed cysts on her pancreas and they were so large, they almost had to go in to drain them. She tries to claim it isn't from drinking. Seriously Mom????
I think yesterday I let G get to me. Mom went to yet another rehab last week, stayed 2 days, went to the hospital and then went to a different treatment center this week. Then called G and asked him to pick her up - she would do outpatient. He was blowing her off and wanted my opinion if she should do IP. I tried to tell him we can't control her, but he still doesn't get that.... I ended up writing her a letter and didn't hold back. I dropped it off at the trmt center and she called G later and said she would stay at treatment. I told her that we love her and want her better, but we refuse to have anything to do with her not sober. I also told her that her love of drugs and alcohol is greater than her love for us - I know she doesn't really think that - but it is how it makes us feel. I don't have high hopes for this round of treatment. G thinks she has been in treatment 15 times. I think he may have missed a few.......
For now, I must focus on myself and my family. I have to find the strength to tell G he has just as much of a problem as Mom and he is bringing me down....
Thank God for the wonderful support I have found from a few special ladies at my Church!! They help me realize that as tough as it is, I am doing the right thing.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Update from Sunday's Post
I sort of ran off and didn't completely finish my last post (gets crazy in the house when the kids get home with Dad....)
When G called and we figured out Mom had taken off, A burst into tears. I felt so bad for her. After she had such a great heart-to-heart with Mom a few days before, I know she felt completely abandoned and betrayed again at that moment. I just can't help her either. At least we have each other to work it out together.....
A had actually told Mom how she felt abandoned by her. How could Mom choose drugs/alcohol over her. She was only in High School and still needed her. Mom told her "I felt it was better for you to go live with your sister. I figured my girls were grown and I could go out and live the wild life again."
Grown??? She was in High school for pete's sake. And I don't care how old you are, you always need your Mom. So, then Sunday she disappears and took A's heart again. I don't know how to keep her from getting her hopes up - it is difficult for me too.
Last week, Mom was in OP rehab. Though Friday we are quite sure she didn't go - she would not have been at my house planting flowers..... I actually had a Freak-Out moment. A was rubbing off on me and I guess I got a little scared she was actually going to rehab. I have to admit I was TERRIFIED! I have worked so hard to create the healthy distance - I am not quite sure I am ready for her to get help. I don't even know how to re-establish a good relationship if that time were to come. I hate to admit this, but it is almost easier now if she doesn't get well...... I pray every night for her to find her strength to get better. I really do want that for her, but I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.
On Sunday evening my DH went with G to the City. G had went down there earlier to try and find her. He found the car. He took his spare key and they brought the car back home (to hopefully prevent it from being crack-leased or anything else). I am struggling with this still. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to get involved in - I am afraid G's real motive was not to save $, but to still have control over Mom. But, it is done and G called yesterday. She came home.
Today, I have a voicemail from her "Hi hon. It's Mom. I am calling to apologize again for my behavior and making everyone worry about me. I still love you."
I think what make it so difficult is that some days, she really means it. She really does put us first, she really wants to get better, she really does care about us, etc. Then one bad day - and we are back to square one. Oh, I just pray for her strength on the bad days!!!
When G called and we figured out Mom had taken off, A burst into tears. I felt so bad for her. After she had such a great heart-to-heart with Mom a few days before, I know she felt completely abandoned and betrayed again at that moment. I just can't help her either. At least we have each other to work it out together.....
A had actually told Mom how she felt abandoned by her. How could Mom choose drugs/alcohol over her. She was only in High School and still needed her. Mom told her "I felt it was better for you to go live with your sister. I figured my girls were grown and I could go out and live the wild life again."
Grown??? She was in High school for pete's sake. And I don't care how old you are, you always need your Mom. So, then Sunday she disappears and took A's heart again. I don't know how to keep her from getting her hopes up - it is difficult for me too.
Last week, Mom was in OP rehab. Though Friday we are quite sure she didn't go - she would not have been at my house planting flowers..... I actually had a Freak-Out moment. A was rubbing off on me and I guess I got a little scared she was actually going to rehab. I have to admit I was TERRIFIED! I have worked so hard to create the healthy distance - I am not quite sure I am ready for her to get help. I don't even know how to re-establish a good relationship if that time were to come. I hate to admit this, but it is almost easier now if she doesn't get well...... I pray every night for her to find her strength to get better. I really do want that for her, but I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.
On Sunday evening my DH went with G to the City. G had went down there earlier to try and find her. He found the car. He took his spare key and they brought the car back home (to hopefully prevent it from being crack-leased or anything else). I am struggling with this still. I wasn't sure it was the right thing to get involved in - I am afraid G's real motive was not to save $, but to still have control over Mom. But, it is done and G called yesterday. She came home.
Today, I have a voicemail from her "Hi hon. It's Mom. I am calling to apologize again for my behavior and making everyone worry about me. I still love you."
I think what make it so difficult is that some days, she really means it. She really does put us first, she really wants to get better, she really does care about us, etc. Then one bad day - and we are back to square one. Oh, I just pray for her strength on the bad days!!!
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Just more lies, as usual......
Since I last posted, not much has changed with my Mom. I have been working hard on changing my reactions to her. It still sucks. She continues to lie/steal/cheat/use... She still lives in her own world and thinks no one is the wiser.
She called me the Friday before Mother's day to say "Just in case I forget, i want to tell you now, Happy Mother's Day." and told me she was taking Grandma out Sunday, if we wanted to meet them - she would love to see us.
On Sunday, G called to say "Sorry, your Mom took off Friday afternoon and I haven't seen her since. We won't be there for dinner." Apparently, some backpay arrived in the mail Friday and she was off - Completely disregarding the plans she had made a few hours before. My grandma was disappointed. So was I....
Last Sunday she called and left a VM. "Sorry to disappoint you all again. I am going to treatment tomorrow and would like to hear from you." She was admitted to outpatient (What are they thinking???? - probably don't want to waste their time...). On Thursday, my sister went to watch a movie with her. She had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Let her know we were not oblivious to what she was up to. On Friday, she put flowers in my yard and a few garden ornaments. I called her about it. She said, "Since you are going to be selling your house, I thought I would help spruce up the yard for you." We didn't really talk much more, someone came over to the house and she was distracted. She said, "I will see you at Church."
So this morning - no show at church. About 1pm, G calls A and says "Is your Mom still with you guys." Apparently she talked him into driving herself this morning.
As I logged in to update the blog and vent..... I caught up with another blogger and liked what she had to say, so I am copying it.
*************************************************************************************
NOT ONE FUCKING THING YOU DO IS GOING TO CHANGE YOUR ADDICT.
Sorry guys, but that is the bitter, honest, complete and total truth.
Force them into all the rehabs you can pay for. You are wasting your money.
Give them all the rules you want. They will ignore them.
Give them all the support they can use. It will make no difference.
Trust them all you want, they will rip you off over and over.
*************************************************************************************
All these programs out there for addicts...and they don't bother. Wonder why I don't care whether or not an addict gets treatment? Because they don't WANT treatment. And when they DO want treatment, THEY find it for themselves.
She called me the Friday before Mother's day to say "Just in case I forget, i want to tell you now, Happy Mother's Day." and told me she was taking Grandma out Sunday, if we wanted to meet them - she would love to see us.
On Sunday, G called to say "Sorry, your Mom took off Friday afternoon and I haven't seen her since. We won't be there for dinner." Apparently, some backpay arrived in the mail Friday and she was off - Completely disregarding the plans she had made a few hours before. My grandma was disappointed. So was I....
Last Sunday she called and left a VM. "Sorry to disappoint you all again. I am going to treatment tomorrow and would like to hear from you." She was admitted to outpatient (What are they thinking???? - probably don't want to waste their time...). On Thursday, my sister went to watch a movie with her. She had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Let her know we were not oblivious to what she was up to. On Friday, she put flowers in my yard and a few garden ornaments. I called her about it. She said, "Since you are going to be selling your house, I thought I would help spruce up the yard for you." We didn't really talk much more, someone came over to the house and she was distracted. She said, "I will see you at Church."
So this morning - no show at church. About 1pm, G calls A and says "Is your Mom still with you guys." Apparently she talked him into driving herself this morning.
As I logged in to update the blog and vent..... I caught up with another blogger and liked what she had to say, so I am copying it.
*************************************************************************************
NOT ONE FUCKING THING YOU DO IS GOING TO CHANGE YOUR ADDICT.
Sorry guys, but that is the bitter, honest, complete and total truth.
Force them into all the rehabs you can pay for. You are wasting your money.
Give them all the rules you want. They will ignore them.
Give them all the support they can use. It will make no difference.
Trust them all you want, they will rip you off over and over.
*************************************************************************************
All these programs out there for addicts...and they don't bother. Wonder why I don't care whether or not an addict gets treatment? Because they don't WANT treatment. And when they DO want treatment, THEY find it for themselves.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
God is speaking to us!
Colossians 3:13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Matthew 18:21-22
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
This past weekend, I attended a Women's Retreat with our Church. This was the first time I had been to something like this. I am quite sure it was meant for me to be there. When it was first announced there would be a Women's retreat, I smiled at my DH and said "Don't think I will go to that." A few weeks later, one of the ladies asked if I could assist with the budget portion of the event, she needed help in that area and knew that was a strong point of mine. Long story short, I ended up on the planning committee - how could I not go? Thank God I did!
The theme for the weekend was "Reconnect, Revive, and Rejoice". Little did I know it would have such an impact on me. The just of the story - if you hold resentment/anger/grudges against just one person, you are actually shutting out everyone. It isn't really possible to love "everyone but that one person". I was starting to come to this conclusion on my own (or God was helping me along), but the speaker this weekend clinched it for me.
In my attempt to guard myself from the hurt of my Mom's actions, I was shutting her out. I felt like if she wasn't sober, I just wouldn't be around her. But in my heart, I was aching - I felt horrible for "ignoring" her. I knew that my avoiding her, wasn't really helping the situation. I realize now that I must love her the way she is. That does not mean I have to enable her. That just means I cannot shut her out of my life - she is my Mom after all!
While I was focusing on keeping the bad away, I unintentionally was shutting others out too. I cannot tell you the last time I allowed emotions to take over when I thought about Mom. It rubbed off onto my interactions with others around me, but sometimes being emotional can be a good thing. It is not healthy to put up a wall and put on the appearance that all is well. I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone in a long time - why set yourself up to get hurt! That is now changing - I have never felt more loved by these new women in my life - I even feel I can return those feelings. We had quite a hugfest on Saturday!
The Lord spoke to me while I was away - I know he was telling me I cannot just ignore my Mom! Funny thing - last week I just kept feeling this tug to call Mom for no reason other than to just say "Hi" and "I love you". I did, only to find out she had been hospitalized yet again. She didn't want to call us b/c it seems she only calls when she is in the hospital. She was so happy to hear from me and it made me feel so much better. Nothing was mentioned about her problems, we just said "Hi" and "I love you". She said, "Nothing is new here." I told her "That is okay, you don't have to call when something is up - you can just say Hi too." Then after this weekend, I knew I had done the right thing. I don't have to do things for her if she doesn't stay sober - but, I do love her no matter what and I do have to let her know that. It is up to her what she does from there.
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Since my last post, she has been relatively quiet. A few weeks ago she called me and said, "I am homeless, I need your help." She had it all figured out - she wanted to put her $ in my name and have me cosign and pay for an apartment for her. At first I thought, ok why not. But, then the rational side kicked in and I kept pushing her off. I didn't want to tell her no, she finally asked for help, but I knew it was not a practical option. She would turn over her $ to me, only to be at my door constantly wanting it. She wanted to pay almost $500 for an apartment and then live on about $300 a month - not possible w/o a serious plan. Funny thing, she called me daily when she wanted something. One night when she called, she was surely drunk and wanted me to tell G that I would pay him for the car when I got her $ if he would just let her have it now. When he got on the phone, we talked very little - he didn't have to say anything - Mom's actions said it all. She flipped out on him and said "I told you not to talk - A just need to say something to you." She was paranoid he might tell me the truth. I said "I know she won't listen now, but you don't have to tell me when she is drinking, its obvious." She continued to rant and rave and I just felt so sorry for him at that moment. That behavior confirmed my feelings on not helping her.
I prayed about it for 3 days and finally had to make the phone call to her. I was shaking and crying, but I knew it wasn't the right thing for me to do. When she heard my voice - she immediately turned back into the Mom I once knew. It killed her that I was so upset over it. She told me "That is okay honey. I wouldn't do it either." Then she quickly got off the phone. The next day she called upset and wanted to know what changed my mind. She thought it was G or my DH and I had to tell her - "No Mom, it was my decision. I am sorry." She hung up on me. That was the last I had talked to her until last week.
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There were many prayers for her and myself this past weekend. Today, she called me and my sister. For no reason other than to say "Hi" and "I love you". Maybe God is speaking to her too.
She said she was in the hospital again over the weekend. She said both times were for dehydration. I don't know about that. I just have this feeling that she isn't going to make it much longer. Her habits have really taken a toll on her health. I have this feeling inside that God is getting my sister and I to a better point with her again - so that when she does go, we won't have horrible regrets to live with. I really hope I am wrong, but we will be better either way!
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Arrested Again??
While Mom was at Grandma's last week - she left some papers on the dining room table. Grandma asked me to take it - I glanced at it and said "Ooh, this looks like a report of her record - I am going to read it." It turned out to be the reports from her last two probation meetings. Apparently she was arrested and her probation officer wrote up the police report in her probation report. It is ugly - sounds like an episode of COPS. I really can't believe this is my Mom.....
Drama and Lies as usual
Last Saturday, I dropped off Angel Food to Grandma's house and she was waiting to talk to me.
She said that Mom showed up Thursday am and wanted to spend the day with her. She did and the Barber picked her up that evening. Mom returned Friday morning to Grandma's. Grandma said they talked about different stuff including marriage, then Mom got really quiet. She stated that she had made a mistake an shouldn't have left G again. About an hour later she told Grandma she wanted to take a walk and never returned. She called Grandma that evening from G's. She claims she walked to the gas station and called him to get her. Grandma asked where the $ came from and she said she had a couple dollars in her pocket. When the Barber showed up after work to get Mom, Grandma told him she had never returned from a walk. The Barber said "Oh, I am sorry. I thought she might be on a binge again, b/c I have $ missing from the shop."
My guess is that she did call G - but I don't think that is all she was up to. Why wouldn't she just use Grandma's phone to call him??
When I left Grandma's house, I had a message from Mom on my phone. She wanted to come by my house and get her check and driver's license. I returned her call and I was 99% sure she was not sober. This was about 11:30am. We were getting together that afternoon with the family to celebrate a few birthdays - I invited her (she didn't know about it b/c no one ever knows where she is to invite her) and she quickly made up several excuses about why she couldn't make it. I didn't question her, I knew why she wasn't going. That afternoon, my Aunt told me she had called Mom that morning and "I am sorry to tell you, she was high or drunk or something." That confirmed my suspicions. Grandma said "But she was sober Thurs and Fri - how could she get all messed up that quick?" Doesn't take long Grandma, doesn't take long....
She said that Mom showed up Thursday am and wanted to spend the day with her. She did and the Barber picked her up that evening. Mom returned Friday morning to Grandma's. Grandma said they talked about different stuff including marriage, then Mom got really quiet. She stated that she had made a mistake an shouldn't have left G again. About an hour later she told Grandma she wanted to take a walk and never returned. She called Grandma that evening from G's. She claims she walked to the gas station and called him to get her. Grandma asked where the $ came from and she said she had a couple dollars in her pocket. When the Barber showed up after work to get Mom, Grandma told him she had never returned from a walk. The Barber said "Oh, I am sorry. I thought she might be on a binge again, b/c I have $ missing from the shop."
My guess is that she did call G - but I don't think that is all she was up to. Why wouldn't she just use Grandma's phone to call him??
When I left Grandma's house, I had a message from Mom on my phone. She wanted to come by my house and get her check and driver's license. I returned her call and I was 99% sure she was not sober. This was about 11:30am. We were getting together that afternoon with the family to celebrate a few birthdays - I invited her (she didn't know about it b/c no one ever knows where she is to invite her) and she quickly made up several excuses about why she couldn't make it. I didn't question her, I knew why she wasn't going. That afternoon, my Aunt told me she had called Mom that morning and "I am sorry to tell you, she was high or drunk or something." That confirmed my suspicions. Grandma said "But she was sober Thurs and Fri - how could she get all messed up that quick?" Doesn't take long Grandma, doesn't take long....
Monday, August 31, 2009
What's New
About a month ago, G called and had this "grand idea" to do an intervention for Mom. He said he was really worried and thought if the whole family go together, it would work. He had already called my Aunt and she wasn't available for about a month (if it doesn't work for her, it doesn't work....) He wanted to get mine and my sister's opinions. I told him I would see what I could do and hung up.
I felt so bad - he was actually reaching out for help (Mr. I Can Take Care Of Everything All By Myself), but I didn't want to help. I thought - She already knows why we have a bad relationship, do I really have to tell her again? Then I thought some more and realized that I probably have never actually "told" her - it just sort of happened and that was that. I talked to A about it, she agreed then cried. She felt horrible too. She has never expressed to Mom why she stays away either. We just figure Mom knows. She does, but does that mean we shouldn't say it? Just like Mom's Dad never said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. Is that the same thing?
I prayed and prayed, and by the time I got the courage to call Mom - she blew me off as usual. Came to the phone - put on her fake smile - and pretended everything was just fine. She was working on herself and that was all she would really say. I remembered once again, why I don't bother most of the time. But, sometimes you just feel like "What if?" so you try again......
Two weeks ago, G called. He told me that Mom was in the hospital again and not doing well. He had just gotten back from visiting her. She had already been there two days (well she started at a different hospital and was transferred) and they weren't sure what it was yet. She was scheduled for a test Tues am. He said she was all doped up on the pain meds and had no clue where she was or why or what was up. She gave G a hard time for not meeting her, myself, and my sister down at the pool. She was convinced we were on a family vacation and were at the hotel.
The next day I received a call from the Barber (that I would have ignored, had I known who it was....) - he was worried about Mom, she had a Parole meeting the week before and he hadn't see her since. He thought she had been arrested again. I couldn't lie and told him she was in the hospital, not jail. It didn't take long for him to find out which hospital....
He called me back to tell me her test had been moved to a later time. I waited until the afternoon to call her. She answered and was so happy to hear from me. She said they took her for the test and she freaked out on them. She told them she wasn't the patient. She thought she was there with me and my younger DS for him to get tests. They had to show her the wristband and postpone the procedure. She told me they lightened the pain meds and she was coming around. She was so embarrassed that happened. That evening G called, he had been at the hospital, saw the Barber's phone # on the table and stormed out. He wanted to know how he found her. I said "I told him - I couldn't lie to him, just like I can't lie to you..."
The next day the procedure was performed and they found sludge in her bile duct (gallbladder is already gone). I went up to the hospital that evening to visit. She looked really bad. She was so puffy I don't think she could bend her fingers. The Barber was there when I walked in. I asked about her being puffy and she said something about all the fluids they were pumping her with. The Barber said "Oh no, that's from the Boozin' Don't let her fool you, she was puffy before coming to the hospital." He left shortly after I showed up. When the night nurse came in, she looked at Mom's chart and said "Oh they changed your last name today." Mom laughed and just said "Yes, they did." I know that means G threw a fit and told those nurses to take his name off the records. I kept quiet.
I spoke with her Thursday and she was feeling better and wanted to go home. On Friday, my phone died so I couldn't call her until the evening. The hospital phone rang and rang - she was released and I didn't know who she went with - G or the Barber. I didn't call either one.
On Sunday, when we got home from church, there was a box of Mom's stuff on my porch with a message on my machine from G telling me he left it. I now knew where she was this time. She left me a message that evening telling me the Barber had her in the Country so she couldn't get into trouble. Wanted to know if I would take her license and check from G over to the Barber shop. I didn't.
I felt so bad - he was actually reaching out for help (Mr. I Can Take Care Of Everything All By Myself), but I didn't want to help. I thought - She already knows why we have a bad relationship, do I really have to tell her again? Then I thought some more and realized that I probably have never actually "told" her - it just sort of happened and that was that. I talked to A about it, she agreed then cried. She felt horrible too. She has never expressed to Mom why she stays away either. We just figure Mom knows. She does, but does that mean we shouldn't say it? Just like Mom's Dad never said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. Is that the same thing?
I prayed and prayed, and by the time I got the courage to call Mom - she blew me off as usual. Came to the phone - put on her fake smile - and pretended everything was just fine. She was working on herself and that was all she would really say. I remembered once again, why I don't bother most of the time. But, sometimes you just feel like "What if?" so you try again......
Two weeks ago, G called. He told me that Mom was in the hospital again and not doing well. He had just gotten back from visiting her. She had already been there two days (well she started at a different hospital and was transferred) and they weren't sure what it was yet. She was scheduled for a test Tues am. He said she was all doped up on the pain meds and had no clue where she was or why or what was up. She gave G a hard time for not meeting her, myself, and my sister down at the pool. She was convinced we were on a family vacation and were at the hotel.
The next day I received a call from the Barber (that I would have ignored, had I known who it was....) - he was worried about Mom, she had a Parole meeting the week before and he hadn't see her since. He thought she had been arrested again. I couldn't lie and told him she was in the hospital, not jail. It didn't take long for him to find out which hospital....
He called me back to tell me her test had been moved to a later time. I waited until the afternoon to call her. She answered and was so happy to hear from me. She said they took her for the test and she freaked out on them. She told them she wasn't the patient. She thought she was there with me and my younger DS for him to get tests. They had to show her the wristband and postpone the procedure. She told me they lightened the pain meds and she was coming around. She was so embarrassed that happened. That evening G called, he had been at the hospital, saw the Barber's phone # on the table and stormed out. He wanted to know how he found her. I said "I told him - I couldn't lie to him, just like I can't lie to you..."
The next day the procedure was performed and they found sludge in her bile duct (gallbladder is already gone). I went up to the hospital that evening to visit. She looked really bad. She was so puffy I don't think she could bend her fingers. The Barber was there when I walked in. I asked about her being puffy and she said something about all the fluids they were pumping her with. The Barber said "Oh no, that's from the Boozin' Don't let her fool you, she was puffy before coming to the hospital." He left shortly after I showed up. When the night nurse came in, she looked at Mom's chart and said "Oh they changed your last name today." Mom laughed and just said "Yes, they did." I know that means G threw a fit and told those nurses to take his name off the records. I kept quiet.
I spoke with her Thursday and she was feeling better and wanted to go home. On Friday, my phone died so I couldn't call her until the evening. The hospital phone rang and rang - she was released and I didn't know who she went with - G or the Barber. I didn't call either one.
On Sunday, when we got home from church, there was a box of Mom's stuff on my porch with a message on my machine from G telling me he left it. I now knew where she was this time. She left me a message that evening telling me the Barber had her in the Country so she couldn't get into trouble. Wanted to know if I would take her license and check from G over to the Barber shop. I didn't.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Escaped Jail this time
G just called. Let me know that Mom called him this morning to come pick her up from the City. She crack-leased the Barber's truck and they wrecked it. Took out two innocent cars in the process. She actually had G drop her off at the Barber's camper. G said he told her we were worried and she should call, but I haven't heard from her today. G acted surprised - I am not.
Until about a year ago, I didn't even know you could "crack-lease" your car - Now I know you don't get them back. Mom has gone through 4 of her own vehicles that I know about and now the Barber's too. What a shame!
I am sure this has been said many times, but if only these addicts could use their smart/manipulative maneuvers in a positive way - I bet they would be very successful!
Until about a year ago, I didn't even know you could "crack-lease" your car - Now I know you don't get them back. Mom has gone through 4 of her own vehicles that I know about and now the Barber's too. What a shame!
I am sure this has been said many times, but if only these addicts could use their smart/manipulative maneuvers in a positive way - I bet they would be very successful!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Will it be jail again?
G called me this afternoon. "It is imperative that you call me. Your mom is okay, as far as I know, but we have to help find her tonight. Call me"
Ugghhh....So, I prepare myself and call him back. He says the Barber called him to see if Mom was there. He told G that if she wasn't back tonight w/ his truck, he is calling to report it stolen in the morning and will follow through with pressing charges. G says that will violate her probation and add charges for grand larceny. He doesn't want her to go to prison. I said "I hope the Barber does press charges. What the fuck is she thinking? Normal people don't steal cars, especially from their so called boyfriends." That phone call sucked - my boys were in the backseat of the car waiting to go in Kmart for Super Doubles (okay so I was waiting for the Super Doubles, my boys just wanted out of the car) and I was egging Z on to cry in the background so I could get off the phone.
Anyway.... I am 99% sure G is now driving around the city looking for Mom so she doesn't get in trouble. I told him he shouldn't do that and he didn't respond to that. Poor guy - she will just use him again and again until he finally calls it quits. He knows that, but still continues to "help" her.
My sister and I were talking earlier. It just doesn't make sense that we are who we are today. My sister thinks she should be pregnant and barefoot in a trailer park with 4 kids yelling at the neighbors with a cigarrette in her mouth. But she isn't. She is getting ready for her Senior year of college earning her degree in teaching and doing well. I shouldn't be where I am either, according to statistics -I have a Masters degree in accounting, the World's Best Husband, two beautiful boys, and a great job. If you met our mother today, you wouldn't know we belonged to her.
It must have to do with the timing of her episodes. I remember turmoil in my life until about 1st or 2nd grade. I lived with my grandparents for awhile and I remember fighting. The thing is, I was young enough to not really remember what my life was "actually" like. I only hear about it from my grandmas. Mom was in a sober period of her life after that. Or at least to my knowlege, she was sober. If she wasn't, she was functioning. She had to - a single mom supporting me. Then she married my sister's dad. He was an alcoholic and Mom maintained the home. When A was about 2, he sobered up, but they still divorced. Mom went to nursing school and raised A and I on her own. She bought a house and we moved. When I was in high school, she started her own business. We took a few elderly people into our home and she cared for them 24/7. She became rather well-known for Diabetes care among the social workers and even had a waiting list. This is when G came into the picture. Right after I left for college, they purchased a residential care facility that had capacity for 20 residents. I think this was a huge factor in her downfall. She ended up with several mental health patients and began stealing their medications. I don't know if the state ever officially caught her, but they were on to her. She sold the place and it has been downhill ever since. A calls it "When Mom started sleeping on the couch ALL the time"
So, I think I was just too young and by the time I was more aware of my surroundings, Mom was great. And A had a great Mom until she was in Jr. High. At that point, A was old enough to know that wasn't "just how life is". No matter, the reason, we are thankful to God we are okay so far!
Ugghhh....So, I prepare myself and call him back. He says the Barber called him to see if Mom was there. He told G that if she wasn't back tonight w/ his truck, he is calling to report it stolen in the morning and will follow through with pressing charges. G says that will violate her probation and add charges for grand larceny. He doesn't want her to go to prison. I said "I hope the Barber does press charges. What the fuck is she thinking? Normal people don't steal cars, especially from their so called boyfriends." That phone call sucked - my boys were in the backseat of the car waiting to go in Kmart for Super Doubles (okay so I was waiting for the Super Doubles, my boys just wanted out of the car) and I was egging Z on to cry in the background so I could get off the phone.
Anyway.... I am 99% sure G is now driving around the city looking for Mom so she doesn't get in trouble. I told him he shouldn't do that and he didn't respond to that. Poor guy - she will just use him again and again until he finally calls it quits. He knows that, but still continues to "help" her.
My sister and I were talking earlier. It just doesn't make sense that we are who we are today. My sister thinks she should be pregnant and barefoot in a trailer park with 4 kids yelling at the neighbors with a cigarrette in her mouth. But she isn't. She is getting ready for her Senior year of college earning her degree in teaching and doing well. I shouldn't be where I am either, according to statistics -I have a Masters degree in accounting, the World's Best Husband, two beautiful boys, and a great job. If you met our mother today, you wouldn't know we belonged to her.
It must have to do with the timing of her episodes. I remember turmoil in my life until about 1st or 2nd grade. I lived with my grandparents for awhile and I remember fighting. The thing is, I was young enough to not really remember what my life was "actually" like. I only hear about it from my grandmas. Mom was in a sober period of her life after that. Or at least to my knowlege, she was sober. If she wasn't, she was functioning. She had to - a single mom supporting me. Then she married my sister's dad. He was an alcoholic and Mom maintained the home. When A was about 2, he sobered up, but they still divorced. Mom went to nursing school and raised A and I on her own. She bought a house and we moved. When I was in high school, she started her own business. We took a few elderly people into our home and she cared for them 24/7. She became rather well-known for Diabetes care among the social workers and even had a waiting list. This is when G came into the picture. Right after I left for college, they purchased a residential care facility that had capacity for 20 residents. I think this was a huge factor in her downfall. She ended up with several mental health patients and began stealing their medications. I don't know if the state ever officially caught her, but they were on to her. She sold the place and it has been downhill ever since. A calls it "When Mom started sleeping on the couch ALL the time"
So, I think I was just too young and by the time I was more aware of my surroundings, Mom was great. And A had a great Mom until she was in Jr. High. At that point, A was old enough to know that wasn't "just how life is". No matter, the reason, we are thankful to God we are okay so far!
Update
Wow - it has really been a long time since I have posted. That is actually a good thing. It has been really quiet around here with Mom until recently.....
That shot/pill to make people stop drinking really is a "Miracle Drug" - but it's too damn expensive for the people that need it. And unfortunately, Mom was just using that and not working on her behavorial side. But, it worked while it lasted!
A few weeks ago, Mom moved out of G's again. She is living with the Barber in a camper on the side of the Hwy. (Yes, I said a camper!) She just goes back and forth between the two men.... G made two drop-ins to bring over Mom's stuff and bitch about her leaving. Haven't heard from him since then.
I bought food for Mom through the Angel Food Ministries (actually, G paid me back) I brought it over to her on Sunday after church (6/28). It was the first time I saw the trailer. Two days later, she called me and wanted me to come over and see where she is living. I said "I was just there. Don't you remember?" Her response was "When? I don't remember." When I told her I dropped food off to her, and asked how she thought she got the food, she said "Oh, you were here Sunday. That food was great." She seemed out-of-it when I saw her, but I didn't know why, now I know she was "out of it".
Mom got a cell phone with prepaid minutes, but that only lasted a week. She called us girls until her minutes ran out. One of the family dogs was sick last week and Mom just left town with the Barber and had A go by and check on the deathly ill dog - it was horrible. On Monday, when she got back to town, A drove over to check on the dog and Mom. Mom was on her way walking towards the Barber Shop. A picked her up and Mom was actually going to the liquor store next to the BarberShop. A said she just bought 1 beer and said "Forgive me, my dog is dying. I need a beer." A told her she didn't need any excuses, it is what is is and I am going home.
I just received a phonecall from the Barber cell phone. Figured it was Mom. Nope, it was the Barber looking for Mom. She has been gone for 2 days with his truck. Said she left during the night when he was asleep. He has no vehicle and is walking to and from the BarberShop to work. He didn't say, but I am sure she took his money too. Hopefully, we hear something soon....
That shot/pill to make people stop drinking really is a "Miracle Drug" - but it's too damn expensive for the people that need it. And unfortunately, Mom was just using that and not working on her behavorial side. But, it worked while it lasted!
A few weeks ago, Mom moved out of G's again. She is living with the Barber in a camper on the side of the Hwy. (Yes, I said a camper!) She just goes back and forth between the two men.... G made two drop-ins to bring over Mom's stuff and bitch about her leaving. Haven't heard from him since then.
I bought food for Mom through the Angel Food Ministries (actually, G paid me back) I brought it over to her on Sunday after church (6/28). It was the first time I saw the trailer. Two days later, she called me and wanted me to come over and see where she is living. I said "I was just there. Don't you remember?" Her response was "When? I don't remember." When I told her I dropped food off to her, and asked how she thought she got the food, she said "Oh, you were here Sunday. That food was great." She seemed out-of-it when I saw her, but I didn't know why, now I know she was "out of it".
Mom got a cell phone with prepaid minutes, but that only lasted a week. She called us girls until her minutes ran out. One of the family dogs was sick last week and Mom just left town with the Barber and had A go by and check on the deathly ill dog - it was horrible. On Monday, when she got back to town, A drove over to check on the dog and Mom. Mom was on her way walking towards the Barber Shop. A picked her up and Mom was actually going to the liquor store next to the BarberShop. A said she just bought 1 beer and said "Forgive me, my dog is dying. I need a beer." A told her she didn't need any excuses, it is what is is and I am going home.
I just received a phonecall from the Barber cell phone. Figured it was Mom. Nope, it was the Barber looking for Mom. She has been gone for 2 days with his truck. Said she left during the night when he was asleep. He has no vehicle and is walking to and from the BarberShop to work. He didn't say, but I am sure she took his money too. Hopefully, we hear something soon....
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I knew this time would come again.....
Last week, Mom called and asked if I would pick her up for church. I told her that we were picking up Grandma and I would have to make sure we could take Grandmas van for the space. She said "Nevermind. I will drive myself. See you there tomorrow morning."
Needless to say, she didn't show. But, we had a message on our machine "Sorry I didn't make it to church, my stomach is hurting. We would like to bring Easter baskets to the boys tomorrow. Call me." I didn't.
Her and G showed up last Monday to bring by the Easter baskets and visit. Mom was not sober. G had to hold her arm so she could walk up our driveway without wobbling. She was repeating herself over and over. She did have fun pushing Z's new play lawnmower around the room and Z thought it was funny too. I couldn't quite place what was wrong with her until our visit was almost over. (She ALWAYS blames it on her meds being mixed up again....) I could definitely smell the alcohol on her. My DH said he thought maybe she was on painkillers. Either way, it was something. She was complaining about her stomach hurting and how she was going to make the appt. to get her gallbladder removed. She said she would call if she went to the hospital. No call all last week.
Then Saturday, she calls again asking for a ride to church. I told her we would be there at 9:45 to get her. We picked her up, then Grandma, and the whole crew went to church Sunday. When she got into our car, she "reeked" of perfume - I had to roll the window down so I didn't drown in it. She also had a piece of gum. It wasn't until part way into the service that I smelled it again. I was sick to my stomach! I had to remind myself where I was and why and worry about her later.
When we picked her up, she mentioned that she just got home from the hospital. I said "I thought you were going to call if you went to the hospital" "Are you feeling better, what did they say?" Then I threw in "Stop Drinking??" She said "No they didn't say that, but it is a problem again. My shot is wearing off and it is too much $ to get again. Not sure what I will do."
I knew this time would come again. Now I have to figure out the best way to let her know that she wasn't fooling us. I have to let her know (again) that she is not welcome when she is not sober. And, what hurts the most - I have to tell her that she cannot come to church with us unless she is sober. She loves the service, (though I can't say she takes the advice well), and has already in a few weeks made a few "friends" there. She makes her own choices and I make mine. I wish it wasn't so difficult though!
After church, Grandma wanted to go out for lunch, but Mom insisted on being brought back home first. I am quite sure she was afraid G would yell at her. That is also sad - the only person that will put up with her and take care of her is the same one causing her to use by his controlling ways. He sucks..... He just keeps her in his vicious cycle. He actually bribes her with her addictions sometimes - then tells us he doesn't enable.
I asked Grandma if she noticed anything after we dropped Mom off. She just noticed the smell. Neither one of us would have ever known if we didn't smell it. She didn't act funny or anything. I finally had a chance to talk to Grandma a little since we were stuck together in the car. She said she just feels so guilty that her daughter is this way. She said "I never knew and I just don't know how I didn't know all this time." I just said "Grandma, it is not your fault. And I didn't know either." Oh this addiction crap sucks!
Needless to say, she didn't show. But, we had a message on our machine "Sorry I didn't make it to church, my stomach is hurting. We would like to bring Easter baskets to the boys tomorrow. Call me." I didn't.
Her and G showed up last Monday to bring by the Easter baskets and visit. Mom was not sober. G had to hold her arm so she could walk up our driveway without wobbling. She was repeating herself over and over. She did have fun pushing Z's new play lawnmower around the room and Z thought it was funny too. I couldn't quite place what was wrong with her until our visit was almost over. (She ALWAYS blames it on her meds being mixed up again....) I could definitely smell the alcohol on her. My DH said he thought maybe she was on painkillers. Either way, it was something. She was complaining about her stomach hurting and how she was going to make the appt. to get her gallbladder removed. She said she would call if she went to the hospital. No call all last week.
Then Saturday, she calls again asking for a ride to church. I told her we would be there at 9:45 to get her. We picked her up, then Grandma, and the whole crew went to church Sunday. When she got into our car, she "reeked" of perfume - I had to roll the window down so I didn't drown in it. She also had a piece of gum. It wasn't until part way into the service that I smelled it again. I was sick to my stomach! I had to remind myself where I was and why and worry about her later.
When we picked her up, she mentioned that she just got home from the hospital. I said "I thought you were going to call if you went to the hospital" "Are you feeling better, what did they say?" Then I threw in "Stop Drinking??" She said "No they didn't say that, but it is a problem again. My shot is wearing off and it is too much $ to get again. Not sure what I will do."
I knew this time would come again. Now I have to figure out the best way to let her know that she wasn't fooling us. I have to let her know (again) that she is not welcome when she is not sober. And, what hurts the most - I have to tell her that she cannot come to church with us unless she is sober. She loves the service, (though I can't say she takes the advice well), and has already in a few weeks made a few "friends" there. She makes her own choices and I make mine. I wish it wasn't so difficult though!
After church, Grandma wanted to go out for lunch, but Mom insisted on being brought back home first. I am quite sure she was afraid G would yell at her. That is also sad - the only person that will put up with her and take care of her is the same one causing her to use by his controlling ways. He sucks..... He just keeps her in his vicious cycle. He actually bribes her with her addictions sometimes - then tells us he doesn't enable.
I asked Grandma if she noticed anything after we dropped Mom off. She just noticed the smell. Neither one of us would have ever known if we didn't smell it. She didn't act funny or anything. I finally had a chance to talk to Grandma a little since we were stuck together in the car. She said she just feels so guilty that her daughter is this way. She said "I never knew and I just don't know how I didn't know all this time." I just said "Grandma, it is not your fault. And I didn't know either." Oh this addiction crap sucks!
Monday, April 6, 2009
She's Back
Finally heard from Mom this week...
Tuesday was her Birthday. I called G's and left a message "Hi, this is A. Don't know if Mom is there, but if so "Happy Birthday". Also, the family get-together has been moved to Sunday if you are around."
Friday I missed a call from G. Saturday she called again - this time leaving a voicemail. I wasn't sure if it was her or G and I wasn't about to call back and get stuck talking to him, so I was glad she left the voicemail. I went out shopping and when I got home there was also a message on our home machine.
I called her back and she wanted to know if we would pick her up for church. I decided to question her "Where have you been?" - Her response "What do you mean? I have been here, just doing my usual. I have a full belly and I am safe". I said "G said you went to a rehab." She claimed insurance would only cover outpatient and it is in a neighborhood she doesn't need to be in so she didn't go. Then she told me that she ran into a girlfriend and G got all twisted about it. That he turned around what the friend said to him and lied to Mom and that he is now taping all phone conversations at the house so she better not say anymore. At this point, I dropped it (not getting anywhere....)
Then I asked if she was coming to the Birthday Get-together. "Of course.", she says. Like I didn't have reason to ask that!! She hasn't shown up to a function for a long time now - of course I have ask. Especially since the baby fit she threw last time!
She went to church with us yesterday and showed up with G for the family get-together. Unbelievable!
My DH was upset about it for once. (Or at least he finally said something). He said "It really just pisses me off that your Mom thinks she can do whatever she wants and then just waltz back like nothing happened! Days like today just reinforced it for her."
He is right! It pisses me off too!! I just don't know how to handle it. I had given up questioning her and this time I tried again. It got me nowhere as usual. If she called and invited us for dinner, I would most likely decline, but how do I deny someone to go to church. She knows that too. I don't mind her going with us, when she is sober and so far she knows not to come around when she is not. (Hence not hearing from her for the past few weeks!)
My boys know her as the grandma from the hospital and church. Not really anything more than that. My 3yr old enjoyed having someone in the back seat to listen to his millions of stories, but other than that.....
Well, I will continue with "One Day at a Time" because that is all I can do.
On a side note - Kids say the darndest things:
My Mom has really bad teeth and since her heavy drug use, she is losing a lot of them and they are cracked, etc. My 3yr old said "Grandma, what's wrong with your teeth? Yuck!"
At least it gave us to opportunity to remind him about good teeth brushing habits!
Tuesday was her Birthday. I called G's and left a message "Hi, this is A. Don't know if Mom is there, but if so "Happy Birthday". Also, the family get-together has been moved to Sunday if you are around."
Friday I missed a call from G. Saturday she called again - this time leaving a voicemail. I wasn't sure if it was her or G and I wasn't about to call back and get stuck talking to him, so I was glad she left the voicemail. I went out shopping and when I got home there was also a message on our home machine.
I called her back and she wanted to know if we would pick her up for church. I decided to question her "Where have you been?" - Her response "What do you mean? I have been here, just doing my usual. I have a full belly and I am safe". I said "G said you went to a rehab." She claimed insurance would only cover outpatient and it is in a neighborhood she doesn't need to be in so she didn't go. Then she told me that she ran into a girlfriend and G got all twisted about it. That he turned around what the friend said to him and lied to Mom and that he is now taping all phone conversations at the house so she better not say anymore. At this point, I dropped it (not getting anywhere....)
Then I asked if she was coming to the Birthday Get-together. "Of course.", she says. Like I didn't have reason to ask that!! She hasn't shown up to a function for a long time now - of course I have ask. Especially since the baby fit she threw last time!
She went to church with us yesterday and showed up with G for the family get-together. Unbelievable!
My DH was upset about it for once. (Or at least he finally said something). He said "It really just pisses me off that your Mom thinks she can do whatever she wants and then just waltz back like nothing happened! Days like today just reinforced it for her."
He is right! It pisses me off too!! I just don't know how to handle it. I had given up questioning her and this time I tried again. It got me nowhere as usual. If she called and invited us for dinner, I would most likely decline, but how do I deny someone to go to church. She knows that too. I don't mind her going with us, when she is sober and so far she knows not to come around when she is not. (Hence not hearing from her for the past few weeks!)
My boys know her as the grandma from the hospital and church. Not really anything more than that. My 3yr old enjoyed having someone in the back seat to listen to his millions of stories, but other than that.....
Well, I will continue with "One Day at a Time" because that is all I can do.
On a side note - Kids say the darndest things:
My Mom has really bad teeth and since her heavy drug use, she is losing a lot of them and they are cracked, etc. My 3yr old said "Grandma, what's wrong with your teeth? Yuck!"
At least it gave us to opportunity to remind him about good teeth brushing habits!
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Forgiveness
We just finished a powerful sermon series at Church and one of the weeks was on forgiveness.
I don't consider myself one to have issues with this topic except for one event that really changed my opinion of my Mom.
About 3 1/2 yrs ago, my Mom was having problems with her depression/anxiety and was not holding down a job. She was filing for disability and I thought it would help her out to have her babysit our son. It was great for us too, financially and the location. That was until a day I will never forget.
I was at work when my cell phone rang and it said Momcell. I answered it and a police officer introduced himself. He stated that he had just arrested my mother for purchasing crack and had my son in the backseat of his vehicle. I would need to come get him ASAP. My baby wasn't even 3 mths old! I melted down and then called my DH and my Dad. My Dad got to the location before I did. The poor DEA officer was so concerned my DS would wake up and he didn't know what to do. When I got there, he told me that my Mom had been arrested the week before for the same thing and why would I leave my son with her. He said next time I would be arrested for child endangerment. I said "Don't worry, there won't be a next time." And there hasn't been since that day.
I had no idea. I blamed my Mom's behavior on her illness. So did she. I didn't realize she was up all hours doing crack. I knew she was arrested the week before, but I was told it was b/c her plates were expired (this was true) and she had a warrant for a bad check (also true) - they failed to tell me the origin of the arrest. I didn't have any reason to think otherwise. I mean seriously, I don't even know a thing about crack - except that it really messes people up! And at that time, I didn't know that G was a liar too.
The reason that I can't get past this is because Mom doesn't acknowledge it. She had the nerve to say to ds shortly after it happened "I don't understand what the deal is. We just went for a car ride." A 9am crack run, I think is what she meant to say. (And why do you say that to an infant - why not to me??) She also said, "The officer was just trying to scare you. You won't get arrested for letting me watch the baby." To this day - she hasn't apologized. I can see where she was coming from about it just being a car ride. Apparently to her, it was no big deal. That is the frame of mind that crack puts someone in. But seriously, that is when our relationship went sour and she has to know that. I am just waiting for the day she faces it.
This is the hurdle I am trying to get over. I have learned to live our lives separate from my Mom. I have figured out how to keep the boys exposure to her very little - and I have come to terms with the fact that it just has to be that way. Now I better work on dealing with the family and how they handle my Mom. (that is why I don't call grandma, I don't like to hear her say things about Mom - always true - but I don't like it)
By the way, my Dad is also an addict. He is in a sober period right now, but my dh and I have been having some doubts lately. He is very close to a 4 yr sobriety, I hope he hasn't messed it up. He went to rehab (2nd time relapse after Hepititis illness) while I was pregnant. That is when our relationship really began - he wasn't around most of my life b/c of his addiction issues and his ex-wife. He has been there for every moment with my boys. It has been wonderful. Right after I had my 2nd ds, Dad and his gf started coming over every Friday to watch the boys and let us get out. I am not so sure about V, now his wife of 1 1/2 yrs. I like her, but I don't know if she is the right one for my Dad. I have a feeling she is a social drinker and I don't see how he stays sober while he is with her. There have been a few clues, maybe as they occur this blog will be about both of my parents.....
I don't consider myself one to have issues with this topic except for one event that really changed my opinion of my Mom.
About 3 1/2 yrs ago, my Mom was having problems with her depression/anxiety and was not holding down a job. She was filing for disability and I thought it would help her out to have her babysit our son. It was great for us too, financially and the location. That was until a day I will never forget.
I was at work when my cell phone rang and it said Momcell. I answered it and a police officer introduced himself. He stated that he had just arrested my mother for purchasing crack and had my son in the backseat of his vehicle. I would need to come get him ASAP. My baby wasn't even 3 mths old! I melted down and then called my DH and my Dad. My Dad got to the location before I did. The poor DEA officer was so concerned my DS would wake up and he didn't know what to do. When I got there, he told me that my Mom had been arrested the week before for the same thing and why would I leave my son with her. He said next time I would be arrested for child endangerment. I said "Don't worry, there won't be a next time." And there hasn't been since that day.
I had no idea. I blamed my Mom's behavior on her illness. So did she. I didn't realize she was up all hours doing crack. I knew she was arrested the week before, but I was told it was b/c her plates were expired (this was true) and she had a warrant for a bad check (also true) - they failed to tell me the origin of the arrest. I didn't have any reason to think otherwise. I mean seriously, I don't even know a thing about crack - except that it really messes people up! And at that time, I didn't know that G was a liar too.
The reason that I can't get past this is because Mom doesn't acknowledge it. She had the nerve to say to ds shortly after it happened "I don't understand what the deal is. We just went for a car ride." A 9am crack run, I think is what she meant to say. (And why do you say that to an infant - why not to me??) She also said, "The officer was just trying to scare you. You won't get arrested for letting me watch the baby." To this day - she hasn't apologized. I can see where she was coming from about it just being a car ride. Apparently to her, it was no big deal. That is the frame of mind that crack puts someone in. But seriously, that is when our relationship went sour and she has to know that. I am just waiting for the day she faces it.
This is the hurdle I am trying to get over. I have learned to live our lives separate from my Mom. I have figured out how to keep the boys exposure to her very little - and I have come to terms with the fact that it just has to be that way. Now I better work on dealing with the family and how they handle my Mom. (that is why I don't call grandma, I don't like to hear her say things about Mom - always true - but I don't like it)
By the way, my Dad is also an addict. He is in a sober period right now, but my dh and I have been having some doubts lately. He is very close to a 4 yr sobriety, I hope he hasn't messed it up. He went to rehab (2nd time relapse after Hepititis illness) while I was pregnant. That is when our relationship really began - he wasn't around most of my life b/c of his addiction issues and his ex-wife. He has been there for every moment with my boys. It has been wonderful. Right after I had my 2nd ds, Dad and his gf started coming over every Friday to watch the boys and let us get out. I am not so sure about V, now his wife of 1 1/2 yrs. I like her, but I don't know if she is the right one for my Dad. I have a feeling she is a social drinker and I don't see how he stays sober while he is with her. There have been a few clues, maybe as they occur this blog will be about both of my parents.....
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Long time, no post.....
Where have I been - right here, just waiting..... waiting for that blow up moment, but it just hasn't happened. It is really wierd and I don't know what to think!
Mom called me one Saturday morning. Just to chat, etc. She was sober. She was talking about AA meetings and what she was doing to keep herself busy.
A week later, she called again. Again, she was sober and just wanted to chat. And she actually called me out for not calling Grandma (that is a whole different story and it meant she was in contact with her) I decided to invite her to church with us. She was so excited and said YES. Sunday am came and I called to make sure she was still coming. G answered and said she was sleeping and wouldn't be going. Figures.
I was upset for a day and then thought, whatever. Thursday, she calls me. I ignored it and she left a message that she was sorry she missed us Sunday. Oh and she had a question about counted cross stitch. That really pissed me off. The only reason she called was b/c she had a question and then "oh yeah, I better apologize."
Then she called again on Saturday. Again, she was sober. She apologized sincerely for missing church and wanted to know if she could go this week. She says her meds are all screwed up and she is sleepy alot. She again mentioned her meetings and was talking about making amends with people. (Don't know when she plans on making amends with me and my family.....)
She ended up going with us and had a wonderful time. She visited with the boys in the backseat on the car ride and it was nice. So, last Friday I called to see if she wanted to go again. G answers and says "Well, i am not supposed to tell you but she is at rehab again." He tells me how much she enjoyed our visit and that she is just not right. He thinks her meds are interacting and doesn't know how to help. It was really odd the way he talked about it. Almost like he was making it up, then again I am not sure. I asked if it was court-mandated, he said no. I almost wonder if she is at a mental hospital rather than a rehab. I think she has issues that she doesn't discuss with us girls - I am sure the crack and other drugs have not helped her mental state. Maybe she will call soon. Until then, I am taking One day at a time because I just don't know what to think.
Mom called me one Saturday morning. Just to chat, etc. She was sober. She was talking about AA meetings and what she was doing to keep herself busy.
A week later, she called again. Again, she was sober and just wanted to chat. And she actually called me out for not calling Grandma (that is a whole different story and it meant she was in contact with her) I decided to invite her to church with us. She was so excited and said YES. Sunday am came and I called to make sure she was still coming. G answered and said she was sleeping and wouldn't be going. Figures.
I was upset for a day and then thought, whatever. Thursday, she calls me. I ignored it and she left a message that she was sorry she missed us Sunday. Oh and she had a question about counted cross stitch. That really pissed me off. The only reason she called was b/c she had a question and then "oh yeah, I better apologize."
Then she called again on Saturday. Again, she was sober. She apologized sincerely for missing church and wanted to know if she could go this week. She says her meds are all screwed up and she is sleepy alot. She again mentioned her meetings and was talking about making amends with people. (Don't know when she plans on making amends with me and my family.....)
She ended up going with us and had a wonderful time. She visited with the boys in the backseat on the car ride and it was nice. So, last Friday I called to see if she wanted to go again. G answers and says "Well, i am not supposed to tell you but she is at rehab again." He tells me how much she enjoyed our visit and that she is just not right. He thinks her meds are interacting and doesn't know how to help. It was really odd the way he talked about it. Almost like he was making it up, then again I am not sure. I asked if it was court-mandated, he said no. I almost wonder if she is at a mental hospital rather than a rehab. I think she has issues that she doesn't discuss with us girls - I am sure the crack and other drugs have not helped her mental state. Maybe she will call soon. Until then, I am taking One day at a time because I just don't know what to think.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Things I Promise Not to Do to My Kids
I fully expect to update this post as time goes on....
Today, 3/4/09, I promise to not make false promises to my children.
Today, 3/4/09, I promise to not make false promises to my children.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Mom called on Valentine's Day - "Hi, I have a few things for the boys. Can I come over?" I guess so.
About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)
They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....
I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....
About a 1/2hr later, her and G showed up with toys for O and chocolate for everyone else. She was stone sober again. (It really is funny how, when they are using - we wonder. But when they are sober, we know.)
They didn't stay long. She convinced G to buy her a new sewing machine and wanted to get home and try it. Didn't really talk too much to the boys - I think they could sense her uncomfortableness (is that a word?)- but she tried. She ended up calling an hour later having problems with the new machine. I was actually able to help her and she was off sewing. (Or so she says....) I have to blame myself for not asking her and holding her accountable, yet I just don't have the energy so I ignore it. Probably not the best way to handle things.....
I have taken the advice of fractalmom and read the book Toxic Parents. Since then I have been really trying to evaluate things more. I think my sister is right that she never had Mom. Our Mom is an addict and from what we have been told, has been an addict since before we were ever born. Supposedly was quite the handful for my grandparents. I pried Mom a few weeks ago when she was in the hospital - tried to get a better handle on her childhood. I didn't get very far, but I have learned that she was brought up with very little emotion allowed. Taught that problems were her own and not to bother others with them. Grandpa never hugged or said "I love you" - you were just supposed to know. (Grandma is that way still) Mom and her sister always mention something like the big elephant in the living room, but no one could talk about it. Well that is exactly how I treat this situation today. And exactly how my sister and I try to maintain the "Everything is great" persona to the world. Wonder where we learned that behavior from.....
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
The Past
I had convinced myself that I am a strong willed and determined person who has not allowed my past to affect my current life. Until now. Recently I have been feeling down and as if not cared about...basically in need of validation.
After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."
I replied, "No, not since last semester."
He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."
He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.
After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....
After discussing the dramas and emotions I've been feeling with my friends with my dad, he asks, "Have you still been attending Al-Anon."
I replied, "No, not since last semester."
He explained, "After listening to you and thinking about it, you should try to go back."
He thought that I was in need of validation and that I could satisfy the need there and not care what my friends thought or did. After thinking about this and spending my fifth night at work on my new job (well new store, I have worked for the company in the past) I realized it was bothering me to be the "newbie" stepping on everyone's toes. No one in the store really wants to talk to me or even make eye contact for that matter and I can tell I don't fit in. For now I have decided that is why I am in need of validation...I was a month away from management at my old store, but this store only knows me as the one who needs a refresher course.
After assuming that I have found my problem and that time and practice will be the only logical solution, I realize things do dig much deeper. While in the only private space I have in the dorms, the shower, my mind usually runs wild. I try to spend extra "dead" time so that I have more time with me and my thoughts. While thinking to myself for some reason an old memory comes to mind of when my mom and G got into an altercation. I thought about how he had thrown the trash can at her face and within seconds she fleed to call the cops and I was in his face. As I was thinking of what I had screamed to him and probably mixed with what I would say today, I felt my body tense and my hands form fists. As I came back to reality I thought why on earth are you getting angry?! It's the past. Done and over with and things have changed so much since then. Realizing that I obviously haven't let go over buried feelings an overwhelming feeling of grief came over me. I began sobing. When I heard the door to the bathroom I realized my privacy was no longer there and that someone would be able to hear me crying, so it was time to bury it again until next time.....
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Letter
I recieved a letter from mom. It was really nice actually. The last time we had talked she was "cured" and said that she would write to me, so that we could keep contact while I am at school. Then the business with G and the Barber and the car went down. Yet I recieved a letter after all of this. She did mention getting a shot for alcohol and two pills for coccaine. I talked a lot with my father (who is 19 yrs. sobar) and he said he still won't let the thought of her being sobar cross his mind until it has been two years. He can usually bring me back to reality of not getting my hopes up for my mom to come back. He usually tries to help me understand that she probably won't ever come back, that I was too young to realize she was never here....But it is nice to have contact with her and I definetly enjoy when she writes me.
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