Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Tough Day

Yesterday was a tough day for me! I have really worked hard to keep Mom from always being the focus. I have worked hard to keep the walls up so she doesn't continuously hurt me. For some reason, the past week or so - it has all been getting to me. Nothing has changed with her. She is still using and lying. Though I don't think the Barber has been around for months - that is good.

She did have a sober period for about a month this summer right before A left to go back to school. It was very nice. I brought the boys over a few times to swim with her and she even hosted a family birthday dinner. It was short-lived. According to G, once her check came - she was off to the city again....

The family went out to eat for my cousin's birthday a few weeks ago. Mom and G actually showed up. She wasn't sober. It was obvious. (And in just a week or so, she had swelled up again) She choked on her steak in the restaurant. There just happened to be paramedics there eating. They came over to help. The restaurant employees were all so worried and concerned for her. I felt nothing. All I could think was "Maybe if you weren't drunk, you could chew your food." She ended up in the hospital the next day with the pancreatitis again. She now has developed cysts on her pancreas and they were so large, they almost had to go in to drain them. She tries to claim it isn't from drinking. Seriously Mom????

I think yesterday I let G get to me. Mom went to yet another rehab last week, stayed 2 days, went to the hospital and then went to a different treatment center this week. Then called G and asked him to pick her up - she would do outpatient. He was blowing her off and wanted my opinion if she should do IP. I tried to tell him we can't control her, but he still doesn't get that.... I ended up writing her a letter and didn't hold back. I dropped it off at the trmt center and she called G later and said she would stay at treatment. I told her that we love her and want her better, but we refuse to have anything to do with her not sober. I also told her that her love of drugs and alcohol is greater than her love for us - I know she doesn't really think that - but it is how it makes us feel. I don't have high hopes for this round of treatment. G thinks she has been in treatment 15 times. I think he may have missed a few.......

For now, I must focus on myself and my family. I have to find the strength to tell G he has just as much of a problem as Mom and he is bringing me down....

Thank God for the wonderful support I have found from a few special ladies at my Church!! They help me realize that as tough as it is, I am doing the right thing.