New Years Eve

Tonight we got together with the family for January Bdays. We went to a Buffet for dinner. I called Mom and left a message with the plans and the time. Didn't really think she would come. We were all seated and starting to get our food when she showed up. I couldn't believe it.

I also couldn't believe what she looked like. She looks like she is dying. There is no question in my mind. It hurts so bad to see her that way. She has gained a lot of weight - which hopefully means the crack is gone by the wayside. But, it probably just means she has cut back (not by choice, but because she has no transportation or money). She has been drinking so heavily that the doctor's have already cautioned her about her liver and kidneys. They also tell her she has COPD. She is just so puffy like water weight. She was nodding off at the table, said she just took her meds before she came. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was so short of breath. Her and G brought Christmas presents in and the walk to the car and back inside made her weeze. She was soo shaky too. So sad.

We all got TomToms for Christmas. I thanked G. It wasn't necessary and he knew that. Doesn't matter, he does it every year. Then he told me that he got one too, but no longer has a car to put it in. Says that Mom totalled his car last week, completely drunk and even hollering at the police that she was sober. He is driving a Company truck for now. What a mess! Says he didn't tell me b/c she was okay and that was what mattered.

Whatever. It seems that A and I were better off not knowing. She didn't want us to know.

Christmas Follow-up

Christmas Eve -
We all start arriving and my cousins are getting dinner on the table. No Mom. I tried to call her at Gs around 4:30, no answer. I left a voicemail. I mention to my Aunt, "I wonder where Mom is? It doesn't seem like she is going to show up."

My Aunt appears shocked and says "She said she was coming." My Aunt then tells me that Mom called her this afternoon and "let her have it" Apparantly, Mom told her she wasn't going to allow the family to treat her that way and just stand back. She wanted her sister to know that she was upset to not be invited for Christmas. She did the whole act - crying, yelling, etc. but swore she would be there.

Mom didn't show. Grandma made comments about how we don't get "personal invitations" around here. Aunt K just doesn't understand, or chooses not to. Most times I think it is the latter.

That sucked this was the first Christmas w/o Mom. She may have been sleeping on the couch years past, but she was there - My sister and I made the best of it, smiled and opened the gifts. Then we came home and she and my DH helped me get ready for the morning for my boy's. We bit the cookies, drank the milk, and put out the presents from Santa. That was soo much FUN! The joy of little kids - I love it!!!! I have a 3 & 1 yr old. So, this year was the first year for my older one to understand what was going on! Makes it all worth it - those kids do.

I just can't help but feel sadness that my Mom doesn't participate in it. Wow is she missing out. It is definately her loss!

Anyway - I called her Christmas morning just to say "Merry Christmas" (and to see if she would even answer) She tried to play it off and said "In all my 51 yrs, I have never missed a Christmas until now. It was so unorganized I didn't even know what time or where to be - next time I will plan it. But I will be there for New Years." Then she wanted us to come over with Gs kids and have breakfast and open presents. Ha Ha - I don't think so! I said "Sorry, we are having our family Christmas with the boys right now. Then my dad is coming over to see the boys. Then we are leaving for the inlaws out of town" She had her chance last night. It felt good to say that and she understood.....

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is here. My family has celebrated on Christmas Eve as long as I can remember. When I was little, we went to the Church service to watch me in the play. Then we went out to dinner and back to Grandma & Grandpas to open presents. We were always told that Santa came early just for us. I went to my Dad's house on Christmas Day. This year, there will be no church program and no "out to dinner". I can only hope that Mom will show up. Then again, my sister and I are so anxious that she will. It will be uncomfortable - no one knows what to say to her. Grandma is quite upset with her and shows it. She knows how we feel about her behavior and I don't know that saying it does any good. Plus, we like to have her when we can and we don't like to rock the boat.... UGH - I hope tonight turns out okay! I am saying my prayers all day!

Mom just called me on my cell. She said "Hi honey. I am calling to find out the Family plans for Christmas." I had no idea that my cousin had not called her. My cousin is in charge this year - she even got the phone # from me to call her. I said "I honestly don't know the time b/c I am working today. J wanted us to come over at 3pm but I don't know if I will be there." Next thing I know she is bawling on the other side of the phone and insists she is Fine. Finally she sobs "I don't understand why it is so hard to call me and let me know what is up!"

I feel horrible! Mom has genuinely been trying. I can't say that she has been sober, but she had called me and I had called her. She even returned a phone call I made to her. She tried to make us dinner after my DH surgery, but she burned it. The least I could have done was mention the Christmas plans. I just have been so busy with my DH, my 2 boys, work, and my sister coming home that Christmas is about to pass me by! I don't even have presents wrapped yet for today! (Luckily my sister is helping me! What would I do w/o her???)

I think this is the hardest part of dealing with Mom! When she is putting forth the effort, how much are we supposed to put forth? It is just too hard to trust her and try to make things work when you know that it will happen again. It is easier to ignore.....to shield my boys from it....to just do nothing.... BUT - if I were her - it would be so hard to stay sober when your own family ignores you. Isn't it better for her for us to be in her life when she needs us the most. What a double-edged sword!

Turkey Soup

Last week we got homemade Turkey Soup for Thanksgiving from Mom. She called and my sister went over and picked it up before heading back to school. It was fantastic! Just like the old days. I called the house the next morning and left a message - "Thanks for the Soup, it was great."

A couple days later she calls and says "Hi hon. I was able to see everyone for Thanksgiving except for you. What happened? Where were you - Did Grandma tell you I showed up for the Family dinner?" She made small talk and wanted me to call her to get together over the weekend. She also wanted to know if I would like some Chili next time she cooks. The next day I had a missed call from her, when I returned it there was no answer. I left a message.

Sunday morning - 10am on the nose. Here we go again. This time it is G. "A, do you have my crock your mom sent soup over in?" Yes, here on the table. "She's gone again, divorce is back on, I am coming to pick it up" He then proceeded to rant for about 20 minutes about how horrible my mom is. I just want to scream "THEN TELL HER NO!! JUST FOLLOW THROUGH FOR ONCE, G!" Instead, I just listen and let him go. I put his dish on the porch and we hid when he showed up to pick it up. I just didn't want to hear it again.......

So, fast forward to today.. On my way home, my cell rings "Gcell" I ignored it and then listened to the voicemail. It was mom again. "Hi hon, I need $240 for Christmas shopping - if you have any checks of mine left. Please call me" I wasn't home for 10 minutes and the house phone rang. "Did you get my message". I told her No. She stated that she needed $240 to finish Christmas shopping and G won't give it to her. He was yelling the background "Tell her why - tell her you moved out" She says she will show me the receipts so I know she shopped with the $ and she will send G over to get it so I know she doesn't have it. I said "I don't control you or your $, the checks just happen to be here" She says they are coming right over to get it.

She shows up, gets the check and leaves. That is really about it. She gave me a hug and said "I love you honey." I said nothing except that I don't have any more of your $ here. She didn't ask to see the boys. She didn't ask about me. She didn't ask about my husband who is having surgery tomorrow. She just wanted the money...........

Pissed off, is really all I can say. Maybe tomorrow it will be hurt, but right now I am ANGRY!