Trouble Again

9:05am - The house phone rings. I cringed. I just knew it was her - something about the time, she always does that, calls a couple minutes after a time she thinks is okay to call.

This is a collect call from the xxxDetention Facility.....

She took that cab to the city and spent her $ on drugs - then didn't have enough to pay the driver for the ride home. Her exact words "Apparently they call that theft.." WELL YEAH! What did she expect?? She wants me to come bail her out.

I didn't want to. I called my sister and she supported my choice. The only thing that was making me feel guilty was that I had mom's $ and the ability to get her out. When I called, she only had about 8 hrs left to sit. Ok she can just sit there!

In the afternoon, I called G and let him know what had happened while he was out of town. I told him I was afraid to go get mom b/c she would probably be mean and hateful to me for not bailing her out. He said he would take care of it. I decided to let him.

I called the jail to make sure the time she was to get out. Only to find out that there was a warrant in another city. So, we are definitely thinking the probation will be revoked now. OMG - that means our Mom will have to serve 2 years. Crazy to even think about. It was already crazy that she served time the first time.

Raincheck....

She doesn't answer in the morning when I call. Oh well....

Then she calls me - she is crying and being ridiculous about fighting with the Barber. She says she doesn't want to go anywhere today. Sorry. Oh well....

A few hours later she calls again and says "I don't want to mess around. I am calling for $. I would like a raincheck for hanging out together. That is, if you will give me one."

I really wish I didn't have her money. At least it is almost gone - then I won't have that to deal with......

I am at the ATM and my cell phone rings. She wants to make sure I am on my way b/c she already called a cab ride. (ALREADY called a cab ride!! Can you believe that??) I was only at the house about 5 minutes before the cab came. She just acts like nothing has ever happened. All of a sudden she is "my mom" again and is talking about Christmas plans. Like she will be around for Christmas - she hasn't been to a family function in forever!

A Phone Call

My Dad was over visiting with the boys when Mom calls.

"Hi Hon. How's it going?"
"Okay, how about you?"
"Oh, the Same ol' shit." (She wasn't lying!)
Then she proceeds to tell me that G is gone hunting and she is bored. She would like to know if I am busy. I tell her that Dad is visiting and she says "What about tomorrow?" She wants to go Christmas shopping and spend some time with the boys. I told her that I am going to get food in the morning if she wants to ride along and we can then go shopping.

When I get off the phone, my husband says "Sounds like she is up to something..."

Triggered Memories

I'm sitting in my dorm room with a sorority sister and I forget the context but she mentions igloos in Canada. Where does my mind lead? To a time in elementary school when I was stuck with what I thought was a horrendous assignment about igloos. After throwing a fit to my mom about how unfair it is that I got that topic, she surprises me the next day with several books from the library about igloos. Of course from here it leads to all the great things she has done for me and I can't help but wonder where my mom went. I then think of the time when she got a big blue coat from Old Navy for Christmas and how upset I was that she had gotten the wrong one. The same guilt of hurting her rushes over me as if I was in sixth grade again. It seems like I can't let my guilt and pain of feeling as though I had an effect on her need to use go because she still hasn't come home. I've realized now that I'm older she has really been gone for a long time now, and I'm stuck sorting out the memories. This is a difficult task for me because when my sister pulled me out of the disastrous situation I blocked most everything that caused me pain. I know that I had to leave and take care of myself in order to survive but I can't help but think about how I used to know what was going on with her. I do realize that this was extremely unhealthy because I tormented myself to control and fix it all. But I can't help but wonder if it's just as tormenting to wonder about the unknown. I'm stuck crying at midnight when my day is finally done because this afternoon a conversation triggered buried memories.

Uneasy & Anxious Again

Well, it has been since my last post that I have heard about/from Mom. I know what she is up to - whatever, that is her choice. What I don't like is the uneasy and anxious feeling I have the past couple days because I haven't heard from her and I know something is gonna happen soon. It always does. If only I knew when.....

Sister B and I talk on the phone and one of us will say "Have you heard from Mom?". "No." "Me, neither" Pause....... Then we just go on with our conversation. It doesn't seem worth it to wonder where she is or what is up. We just know.

Missed Call

So after coming down with a sudden cold, I took a long nap during the day. During this nap my phone rang. Mom Cell appeared on the caller ID. Half asleep I decided I couldn't deal with anything right then so I would listen to the voicemail.....No voicemail. Now all I can do is wonder what she could have possibly wanted to talk about. Just say hi and I love you? Or try to explain things she probably doesn't know I know about?

The "Real" Story

At least the "Real" story according to G.

Driving home from work today, cell phone rings - caller ID "G"

Hello.
Is your mom with you?
No. I am just leaving work. I tried to call her this morning and let her know I was sending a Bday package to Sister if she wanted to put in a note. There wasn't an answer.
I saw your # on caller ID, I was just hoping she was with you. She is gone again. Her clothes and few belongings.
Sorry, not with me.

(And he swears this time the divorce will be final, he is sick of this shit, she just uses him, blah blah blah - lets see what he does.......)

Oh and he decided to tell me what happened with the car accident (probably b/c I asked if he was okay and he couldn't lie to me)

Mom "lent" her car to her dealer last week for drugs. She was supposed to get it back and the guy was giving her trouble. She called G on Saturday (from a liquor store) and said she needed his help to get her car back. The dealers would be at a funeral and that is also where her car would be. Supposedly he got jacked in the face in the process of getting the car back. That is where his injury occured. Then she wanted $ from him and he said "No lets just get home". She was following him home and then she took off at an exit. He didn't turn around at the next exit - he wouldn't find her and he knew what she was up to, so he just went home. He received a call from her at the Hospital Monday am and that is when he called me.

Ugghh.... What a world this is! There are just so many things out there that I have no clue about. And really, I shouldn't. Just leave it to my Mom to be the one to teach me about them.....

Now She Has Her Story Straight

This morning on the way to work, I decided to call G-cell and see if I can get more information out of him. No answer.

A few hours later, Mom calls and says "I saw you tried to call me." Once again I inquire about the accident, how she is, etc. I figure now she has had time to conconct a story.

She tells me that her and G were driving home and she doesn't remember what happened, back to the tire or brakes story. I said "What, G was with you? Why didn't he call me?"

"I really don't know. I was out for two days and just woke up yesterday. I don't know what he hit. I hit the windshield. Maybe he couldn't call long distance from the Hospital."

I then asked a few more questions and inquired about her being in the City Located Hospital. She then says "I guess now is the time to tell the truth - we were in the city to attend one of my drug dealers funeral. He was shot. I guess its no loss to you. Thats the truth."

There were a few things about this conversation that did not make sense and according to Judge Judy - "If something doesn't make sense, it's not true."

Why wouldn't G call me sooner? He always calls for emergencies.
Why did he call yesterday and leave the voicemail "Your mom has been in an accident." It wasn't "we were in an accident."
And why would he go to her drug dealers funeral??

Well - I call my sister to update her on the situation. Of course, Mom has not called her. How can you be in a life/death car accident and not call your daughter. Just another thing that doesn't make sense.

Imagine my Surprise.....

Well, just as we all thought, Mom was a no-show to O's 1st Birthday party yesterday. I spent the entire car ride to work trying to decide if I am mad at her or not. Seems that more than anything, it just hurts my feelings, even though I didn't really expect her to show up.

My cell phone rings while I am at work - the caller ID says "G-Cell". I figure it is mom and I'm not in the mood for her excuses. She can leave them on the voicemail. I go ahead and listen to it once my phone beeps. It is actually G - he is calling to let me know that Mom has been in a serious car accident, but she is okay. He tells me that she just woke up and has been out since Saturday when it happened. I immediately dial his phone back and he answers. He didn't really say much, but gave the phone to Mom.

I ask if she is Okay and what happened. She says she really isn't sure. She either tapped her brakes wrong or her tire blew out. Either way, she started spinning out on the highway and ended up hitting a Semi. Scary, scary!!

She then starts crying and says a couple times "I am so sorry that I missed the Birthday Party". I told her "That is ok, I am just glad you are okay and you didn't miss it for some other reason". She says "I have to go, I don't feel well" and just hangs up.

I bawled. I don't usually let her get to me, but this time it did! I feel so twisted for her! I know she feels terrible deep down for her actions, yet I also know that she probably would have missed it for something else had she not been in an accident (I am really trying to not kid myself) She doesn't take the blame for her actions - in this case it was the brakes or the tire and she claims she was sober. So, how can I be mad at someone who already feels bad enough?? Ugh, don't I deserve to be mad?

MIA again?

This morning the Barber called and said, "Have you seen your mother? I haven't seen her since last Wednesday and G hasn't seen her either."

"No, sorry I haven't." I replied.

I still don't know why he calls me, she nevers is with me. I have never seen her. He must know by now that I am not the person she runs to.

Anyway - that was my first clue that she probably wouldn't show up the Bday party tomorrow.....